Urban Suburban Mommy

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I stole my grandchildren –– from myself

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I’ve been struggling with this thought for the last few days. It was a really painful epiphany when I realized that I’d stolen my grandchildren from myself.

I had my first son two weeks before my 37th birthday, my second son just shy of my 39th.

“PHEW!” I thought – got in just under the line, done before 40.

I was told I would have trouble conceiving both times. The words “Late Maternal Age” were thrown around at some of all of my doctor visits. The usual scare of possible chromosomal anomalies and age-related pregnancy issues grated my nerves on the reg.

But I was happy to have my kids. I had my cake and would get to eat it too. I enjoyed my 20’s, traveled, lived like a rock star (partied with a few!), established a career, waited for Mr. Right, avoided unplanned pregnancies, and now I was getting to enjoy the spoils of my well-managed life.

It is my happy ending.

It is… but I’ve only just unearthed the consequence I never realized would come with late maternal age –– I don’t get to be Nana Elisa.

I grew up with wonderful grandparents. My Nana Sophie and Gramps Mike spent a lot of time with me. My Nana Helen and Grampsy Leo made me feel like the sun shone for me and me alone. They doted. They pleased. They loved and enjoyed without reservation. I couldn’t spend enough time at their house and I could never get enough of my grandmother’s bottomless pot of chicken soup or the never-empty bowl of apple sauce, which she knew I adored.

My grandkids won’t get this.

But that I won’t get to do this for them is more of my concern. I see my kids missing out on the time with grandparents, mine have both passed away long ago.

I waited until I was ready for kids, I pushed baby-making to the limits, and I thought I’d gotten away with it, scott free.

Yes, I’m a little tired and probably would have kept up with my wild boys a bit better a decade ago, but what I lack in stamina, I make up for in patience, wisdom and a decent salary.

However, while I may see a grandchild in my lifetime if I take care of myself, if my kids wait like I waited, I won’t be Nana Elisa. I won’t be able to run around the city with them, travel with them, take them places.

In my late 70s I can’t see myself being the able-bodied woman doting over children for sleepovers and days of shopping. I won’t be taking them to the farm or on adventures the way my grandparents did for me.

Oh sure, I know that 70 is the new 60 (and 46 is the new 29, I know, I know) but the truth is, I can see where my energy level is right now, and I’m not imagining I’ll have more energy at 76 than I have at 46. My memory isn’t what it used to be. My patience, video game skills and basic acceptance of mermaid hair, unicorn glitter and words like “turnt” are starting to date me.

Even if I see little babes in my 60s and early 70s, by the time they’re teens and capable of doing the fun stuff, I’ll be needing a day pass just to go to their school plays.

I may be fine and full of energy by then – but I may not.

Some of my friends have grown children, some are grandparents. In fact, my mother-in-law has great grandchildren that are older than our kids. My husband’s sister was a grandmother before we even got started.

I didn’t realize I’d love having kids so much. I didn’t realize it would be my most favourite part of life. I put off a family because I “wasn’t ready,” and “I needed ‘me’ time” before settling down. I still think I made the right decision, and that my life has rolled out perfectly, but I lament that one thing…

The grandchildren.

The thing I never thought of as I was figuring it all out and putting off having kids.

You’re not *just* a mom

Posted on by Posted in The Best You .

Wellness isn’t all yoga and smoothies, vitamins and the newest fad diet. Sure, sleep, eating right, regular doctors visits and keeping hydrated are all extremely beneficial when it comes to wellness, but you know what? Sometimes it needs to be all about us.

This dawned on me as I was sitting at Sick Kids hospital with my son for five hours this morning and then deciding to call it ‘A vacation day’ because I’d already missed more work than I wanted to make up.

My VACATION days are sacrificed for my children. Gladly.

Dinner? I make what THEY want.

Girls weekends in Vegas? Sorry, little bunny has a school play that Friday.

Honestly, when I realized I was sacrificing my purse and shoe addiction collection in order to fund the needs of these children, I knew I’d discovered the selflessness of motherhood.

Plus the staying up with sick kids, trading sleep for snuggles when they have bad dreams, playing board games (or bored games, I need a break from Candyland!), and sitting through hours of Dora, Caillou and Ruby – because, let’s face it, I really never need to hear any of those voices again – tell the tale.

We don’t have to NOT be moms, there’s no stopping that train, but we need to remember that we are also human beings. When was the last time a day was all about you? How about half-a-day? How about three consecutive hours?

It’s time to take a vacation day and use it. It’s time to leave them at daycare and NOT feel guilty on a day off. It’s time to pick a movie we want to see for once, go swimming without having to “watch this!” or spend time with a friend having tea without interruptions every minute, on the minute. It’s time to make a real dinner with adult flavours and real china instead of pandering to the mini masses.

It’s not a rejection of motherhood. I LOVE being a mom. I think that’s why it’s so easy to put myself last and worry more over their needs than mine. There’s no way I can possibly refuse to wake up for a nightmare or a sick child, but there are ways to carve out time for us and not be *just a mom* – and by JUST, I don’t minimize motherhood, not for one second. Motherhood is all-encompassing, I do it because I think it’s the biggest, best and most important job there is. But it’s time to rethink it and not make motherhood the only recognizable part of the people we are.

Next vacation day I’m hitting the spa, drinking champagne and buying myself something pretty.

(Unless my kids really need me!)

 

New Year’s Resolutions for Parents

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Let’s play a game. It’s called New Year’s Resolutions for parents. Since parents don’t get paid for parenting, we figure it’s the perfect time to strategize an income stream.

Don’t ask me whose paying for all of this, but parenting is hard, it deserves a six-figure salary, and this is how it will work: Imagine if you could get paid for keeping these New Year’s Resolutions. How much would your parenting salary be in 2017?

  1. Will not yell at the kids $2,500
  2. Will not threaten the kids with taking away toys $2,500
  3. Will not use food as a bribe $2,500
  4. Will not use toys as a bribe $1,000
  5. Will not give in to the kids just to avoid parenting $5,000
  6. Will make them clean their rooms $1,500
  7. Will make them do their homework $500
  8. Will not do their homework for them to get it done $1,000
  9. Will not give them treats to make them like me $2,000
  10. Will not hide in the bathroom eating ice cream or chocolate $10,000
  11. Will not hide in the bathroom to eat their Easter chocolate $5,000
  12. Will not hide in the bathroom to eat their Halloween candy $5,000
  13. Will not fight with spouse/partner in front of kids $10,000
  14. Will not finish off whatever food the kids leave behind instead of wrapping it up $2,500
  15. Will not consider the leftovers to be dinner in lieu of preparing a proper meal $5,000
  16. Will make bedtime a priority $1,000
  17. Will read more to the kids $2,500
  18. Will make more time for myself $5,000
  19. Will make time for my relationship $5,000
  20. Will skip cleaning up in favour of play time $5,000
  21. Will skip cleaning up in favour of a little me time $2,500
  22. Will not make two dinners because the kids are fussing about the meal $1,000
  23. Will not sweat making extravagant meals and instead focus on simple and nutritious $2,000
  24. Will stop putting junk food in their lunches $500
  25. Will stop buying junk food for myself with the justification that it can go in the kids’ lunches $1,000
  26. Will not steer their friendships based on which parents I like $5,000
  27. Will let them dress themselves, even if they look crazy $2,500
  28. Will show them instead of doing it for them $5,000
  29. Will give them a chance and then follow through with consequences $10,000
  30. Will give them the opportunity to redeem themselves $5,000
  31. Will be their parent first, their friend second $10,000
  32. Will not ask medical advice on parenting forums/Facebook groups $5,000
  33. Will not start parenting wars on parenting forums/Facebook groups $5,000
  34. Will not confine my boy to “boy toys” or my girl to “girl toys” $10,000
  35. Will make them take responsibility for pet care $500
  36. Will not lie about why they can’t have a pet, “Because I don’t want one” is good enough $1,000
  37. Will limit screen time to what I *actually* tell people I limit it to $500
  38. Will fess up the real amount of screen time I give my kids when asked $2,500
  39. Will not embarrass them on the schoolyard because I need another kiss goodbye $1,000
  40. Will start lengthening the leash and not hover $5,000
  41. Will not tell them to “Stop It!” when they start with the “But why…” $10,000
  42. Will not lie about stores being closed so you don’t have to buy something $50
  43. Will do more activities, arts, crafts and games and less family TV time $5,000
  44. Will not feel bad about falling behind on laundry $2,500
  45. Will make time to get sandy at the beach or wet in the snow $10,000
  46. Will worry less about wrinkles and embrace laugh lines more $2,500
  47. Will not set the clocks back for an early bedtime $1,000
  48. Will do better to hide the evidence of throwing away school art and projects $1,000
  49. Will say “Yes” more and “No” less $2,500
  50. Will stop getting angry at that sound they like to make, and noise in general $3,000
  51. Will balance parenting with my own identity and needs $50,000

So, what’s your income and what is your big resolution of the year? Any that we’ve missed?

Can a mama get a minute for herself?

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I had all the time in the world before I had kids. I had no IDEA how much free time I had, how much time I wasted doing literally nothing.

Now, free time is counted in the gaps between moments, where things still have to get done, but there is a little less…panic? Cacaphony? These are the moments when chores become luxuries and my to-do list becomes an opportunity to have time for myself. Below are some moments I never categorized as “free time” pre-kids, but now look forward to:

Going to the grocery store

When I was pregnant with my second, everyone would wake up super-early on Saturday mornings. My husband would take my oldest to soccer class (it should be noted that no actual soccer was played, but there was a lot of running, followed by chasing and herding) and I would go to Loblaws and buy groceries.

It was pure delight.

The glass doors would breeze open and I’d saunter in with my cart empty and my head full of tranquility. I took my time, wandering up and down the aisles, reading labels, picking things up, putting them back, or not. I’d meander around that store with a big stupid grin on my face. The cashiers must have thought I was nuts. For 45 minutes there would be no gauntlet, no mad dash to grab a few necessities à la Hunger Games. No screaming, no crying, no begging for chocolate at the checkout line (FYI, Loblaws? Putting candy at the checkout line? Genius, keeping the crack at the crackhead’s eye level. Bravo, well played.) For 45 minutes, I had all the time in the world.

Cleaning the basement

My husband took a week off to clean our basement to prepare for a small reno (read: we’re finishing the basement so that the Suicide Squad of cars, Lego blocks and tiny plastic toys that threaten my life on the daily will have a final resting place, other than under my feet or in my jugular.) He spent every day lugging, grunting and shuffling boxes and bins, deciding what stays and what goes, hauling everything up the stairs, and then back down again. All I could think to myself was “Lucky”.

Going to work

I’ve always liked my job, but never really saw it as a place to “escape” to. However, there are mornings where the kids are full of crazy and I can’t get them to my parents’ place fast enough.

I get to work early, and not only is the silence golden, but the perks are endless: completing a task, finishing an email, drinking hot coffee, going out for lunch, having discussions with grown-ups about topics other than projectile vomiting and daycare.

If you don’t work out of an office, I highly recommend that you construct a mini lean-to in your living room and just sit there with your laptop for an hour or so each day.

And now for the things I didn’t even know qualified as “free time” until they were taken away from me:

Being sick

It sure doesn’t sound luxurious, but pre-kids, I remember taking a sick day.

A. Whole. Day. To just be sick.

I could stay home, sleep, eat soup and take cough medicine. Today, there is no such luxury. For my oldest, daytime is awake time and those frozen waffles aren’t gonna toast themselves. I get a sick “15 minutes” if I’m lucky. There are no more “days off” when I’m not feeling well. It’s get up, suck it up, and get out the door. Oh, and try not to black out while driving.

Going to the bathroom – alone

I used to have an air of mystery about me. There were certain private indignities that I kept private because they were, well…undignified. Now that there are three men in the house, my secret garden is not so secret, and my toilet activities are not only available for public viewing, but are subject to a rating system. I tried locking the door…once. Based on the screaming and banging, I suspect they thought I had disappeared into a black hole and wasn’t ever coming back. And then who would have made toaster waffles?

Phone calls

Imagine you’re taking a very important phone call. Let’s say you’re trying to schedule a mover, book a doctor’s appointment and get your car seen by the mechanic because it’s making that Bloods vs Crips gangland noise under the hood again. Now cradle the phone in your neck, because someone has just handed you a wet, sticky washcloth in one hand, and a sticky toddler in your other arm (note: toddler will be reaching a pitch that only dogs and bats can hear because Newton’s fourth unpublished law states that a matter of urgency is equal to the volume your children will hit so that you can’t accomplish it.)

Still with me? Good.

Now wipe the toddler’s face and hands while perching on one leg like a stork, because your oldest child is pretending to be the “bad guy” while ramming your leg with his Fisher Price fire truck. Oh, you need to give a credit card number over the phone? Good. Now take an air horn and blast it against your other ear. That’s your oldest who, in perfecting his comedy of pain, is now screaming because you’ve diverted your attention for all of 15 seconds.

Feel free to cry at this point.

I’m in a brave new world, one where getting a root canal is considered a “spa day” and business calls are taken semi-dressed and covered in food residue. Though I’ve traded “free time” for phases of indentured servitude, I try to be present in the little moments before they’re gone, even the less-cherishable ones. I’d hate to look back and think that I didn’t enjoy the spaces in between the madness.

To quote Into The Woods:

Let the moment go…
Don’t forget it for a moment, though.

 

“Me Time” even if it means staying up late…

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I am almost always tired. I usually fall into bed at a reasonable hour – most nights anyways. But every once in a while I need to stay up late. Sometimes it’s binging on a TV show or reading or taking a bath. Occasionally I need to have a marathon gab session with my bestie. And every once in a long while I find myself just Googling the hell out of weird stuff until I’ve gone so far down a rabbit hole I find myself reading about vestigial tails.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFxu7NEoKC8&w=560&h=315]

I used to be a night owl. I’m still more myself at night than I am in the first 5 or 6 hours I’m up – especially when my day starts at 6am!

The days are filled with cleaning and housekeeping and long hours at work. There’s fun with the kids and chores and teaching and learning. It’s all good, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But every now and then I need a few hours of ‘me’ time.

It took me a long time to understand that ‘me time’ wasn’t a bad thing, and it wasn’t because I wasn’t enjoying the rest of my day. “Me time” is just pretty rare and much too indulgent when there are other little wonderous human beings depending on you for each and every one of their needs. They just come first. And bit by bit, you forget to do your own stuff.

“Me time” is worth staying up for – once in a while!

10 questions with Relationship and Parenting Coach & Counsellor Lauren Millman

Posted on by Posted in 10 Questions With .

Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world.  Now try to be a parent and a spouse at the same time.  Not sleeping, trying to manage a household – life can be spin out of control so quickly.  Urban Suburban Mommy thought it was about time that we spoke to a relationship expert for tips and advice on how to manage life with kids.  We are excited to share our 10 questions with parenting specialist Lauren Millman – we are sure you will find her answers to be very insightful.

1. What do you say to parents who are sleep deprived and are trying to be the most effective parent/partner?

We know that when we’re sleep deprived, we’re short-tempered, curt, and often very reactive, living in the ‘heat of the moment.” Let your kids know that your tired and short on patience, but that you’re going to try your best to be kind, level-headed, and responsive to them. Parents can use techniques like breathing in slowly and exhaling slowly to lower the sympathetic nervous system which will keep you in check and calm.  I also recommend the smiling technique. We can trick the brain into thinking we’re ok and in control, even when we’re not, by placing a gentle smile upon our faces. Try yelling or being angry while smiling! See, it works!!!

2. What tips can you provide to help parents carve out me time or couple time?

Life is so busy these days, with working moms and dads, kids, extra-curricular activities, the busyness of being busy, and finding time for yourself, your significant other, or even a date-night, can be difficult at best. Arrange “couple time” or “me time” ahead of time. Sit down with your partner and review each others’ schedules in order to make time for one-on-one time for conversation and catch-up, and even a date night. Then, book it in, just like an appointment.  By doing this, you can mentally and organizationally prepare-get a sitter, put the kids to bed, sneak a lunch with each other, and plan that date-night.

3. How do you help parents work out their frustrations with their kids or partners?

One of the biggest pitfalls of any relationship is the lack of outlets to express that frustration as well as the lack of effective communication. When we feel frustrated, we often escalate emotions, and feed into that frustration which, in the end, is counter-productive and ineffective to the goals we’re trying to reach. When you begin to feel frustrated, know that what your doing and identify that the way in which you are handling things isn’t working.Take a time out, re-group, compose yourself, and then move forward. When we’re frustrated we’re in fight or flight mode, and we’re reacting and not thinking clearly. It’s o.k. to take a step back, and wait. Disengage kindly and calmly until you can come back and lead by example. You can also write out your frustrations in a diary or notebook, wait, and then assess if you need to revisit the situation or if your frustrations have subsided. Pick your battles, right?! Calm does win the day.  You will be able to express yourself in a dignified manner and save face.  You are now able to give your child or your partner, the courtesy of a successful outcome too.

4. What advice do you give to moms who feel like they are failing and can’t manage everything?

You can’t manage everything. You may be able to for a short while, but eventually it can catch up with you in some not-so-nice ways: like feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, panic-stricken, highly reactive, or even lashing out or yelling frequently. We can be Supermoms, but with balance. Ask for help. Accept help. Say no.

I learned that if I was going to be the best Mom, wife, and person to myself, I had to set limits. No one is judging you. You’re a busy mom. You’re not failing, you’re just taking on too much and you’re not a machine. Let yourself off the hook. You’re doing the best you can with what you have at this moment in time. It’s all temporary. And remember, you’re not supposed to manage everything. You’re supposed to love your kids, and enjoy them.

5. How important is “me” time and how often should it be taken?

If mom is happy, the kids are happy. “Me” time is critical for moms to recharge and reboot. I always tell my mom clients to make a date with yourself.  Dads should do this too. Make a lunch date with your girlfriends, or go to a movie. You can even take yourself out for a nice walk, a Starbucks coffee, or buy yourself that favorite undergarment from Victoria’s Secret or that amazing lip gloss you’ve wanted.  You’re not breaking the bank but rather, its about spending quality time with one of the most important, special and valuable people you know. You! But here’s the catch – No electronics!

6. Is there such a thing as “balance”?

I get asked this question all the time, and I always say yes, there can be, when and if you allow yourself the space to breathe and let some things go until later or tomorrow. The best thing to do is to map out your day, and structure your week from stat to finish. That means, create a schedule for you that works with your lifestyle and commitments, and get your older children and significant other involved. Of course, it’s easier to ask your partner to help out rather than your kids, because we are convinced they complete a task incorrectly. And to that, I always say, “So what!” So what if it’s not done the way you would do it? At least it’s getting done.  Now you are able to get a little balance and free up your time.

7. At what age do you think that children are really affected by their parent’s behavior?

Babies as young 10 months are attuned to your tone and will respond accordingly. Sometimes babies will mirror behavior or will act still and quiet as they attempt to assess if their situation is safe or dangerous. We have to remember, as Adlerian Psychology explains, that children are hard-wired to emulate the behavior around them, kind of a monkey-see, monkey-do effect. When we raise our voices, yell, or scream, we’re giving license to our children to repeat the same behaviors. We can’t say that as a parent, we have different rules. Children are also wired to have their own buckets of power which are also filled with fairness, respect, and dignity. How you treat children will affect how they treat others, including you. Our job as parents is to empower.  The best way to do this is lead by example in every way possible.

8. Why would you recommend counselling to parents?

When your current approach isn’t working, coaching and counselling for parents can be invaluable as it can help with learning new skills, strategies, and techniques. Counselling can help you get out of a rut when you find that no matter what you’re doing, the behavior just isn’t correctable. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of stepping out of your box and seeing a little bit of the forest, when you part the trees. Other times, it may be that mom and dad are having a hard time and those issues are interfering with successful parenting and the family dynamic. Counselling can help you deal and cope with issues and there are many in life.

9. Why is it important to ask for help?

The hardest thing to do is to ask for help, because when we do, we’re acknowledging that we can’t manage.  That’s hard on the ego. I was there once too—it was so difficult for me to ask for help. But I did it. It saved everything, including my sanity and the health and wellness of my family. The nicest thing about asking for help is that it puts you ahead of everyone else who hasn’t.  Now that you asked for help – the hardest part is over.  Now you are halfway to achieving happiness, learning positive parenting skills, as well as effective and successful communication.   All you need to do is pick up the phone or text a few characters. If you feel like your struggles are bigger than you, or getting the better of you, it’s OK and it’s time to ask for help.

10. How can counselling help families?

Coaching and counselling can bring families and individuals together so that the family dynamic is harmonious, happy, and everyone learns how to get along.  In counselling, families are made aware of what the rules and expectations are, what the negotiables and non-negotiables are, and how everyone can work toward the common goal of happy. No family is perfect, and there will most certainly be ups, downs, challenges and pit falls. But armed with the right tools, and the “know-how” about how to handle these situations when they arise, counselling can ensure a family dynamic that is kind, calm, thoughtful, and happy.

About Lauren Millman

lauren millman.jpgIn practice for over 12 years, Lauren Millman is a highly sought-after Toronto Marriage & Relationship Coach and Counsellor, Mental Health Practitioner and Parenting Specialist, and is a member of the Ontario Association for Family Mediation. Lauren is a regular guest contributor on TV’s Rogers Daytime! York Region, and The Mediation Station. She has also been a guest on SiriusXM Radio Canada. Lauren is an international best- selling author, writes regularly for several online publications including Brazenwoman, PinkandBlue North America, and SiriusXM Canada, and was recently featured in the Toronto Star. Lauren continuously gives back to the community.  In 2014, Lauren was the Recipient of the International Women In Leadership Award.