Parenting Advice – Urban Suburban Mommy

And then it was HIGH SCHOOL!

Posted on July 6, 2022 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in The Struggle is Real, Urban Suburban Mommy .

It was just his first day of kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! I’d worried and stressed about the right school. I’d checked out all of the local options and lost a lot of sleep trying to make the right decision.

I landed on an alternative school that was run by the public school board in our area. With its outdoor program and left-leaning values I was sure this was a perfect match.

And it was, for quite some time.

I put in time parenting my baby, nurturing, growing, daycare, school drop-offs, concerts, plays and field trips. I was class parent, student council member, made costumes and cakes and sent in treats for parties, bake sales and movie nights.

And now it’s over.

He graduated from Grade 8. My Little Bunny has reached the next level. He can roam free on his own without supervision. He makes mature, sometimes wildly inappropriate jokes. He might just be a bit smarter than me, I’m ready to admit it.

And I need to stop calling him Little Bunny. (Out loud, anyways, in my head I will NEVER stop!)

When I was pushing the boundaries of teenagerdom my mom realized she wasn’t done with having little bunnies around, and at 35 she had my sister. My parents were definitely considered “older” but having more children in your 30s wasn’t terribly uncommon in the ’80s.

As good girls did in the ’60s, my mother got married at 21 and had me – her first – at 24, with my brother following along 2 years later. By the time my parents got around to having #3, my brother and I were old enough to help with the new kid. We diapered, and fed, and babysat and helped with it all.

But that’s the thing with starting a family at 40-ish. By the time I realized that I wasn’t done with baby bunnies, my body was like “sorry sistah, that mall has closed.”

There would be no second act, no time to add one more. In your 20s and 30s it’s more often an active decision you make about whether to have more baby bunnies, but when you start pushing 50, it’s not terribly likely that you have any say in the matter. Even looking into adoption, while there is no upper age limit, the hoops can get harder to jump through. And as any 40-ish parent knows, the ‘grandparent’ comments do start. Babies at 50? I know people who have had surprises at 50+, and the ‘grandparent’ comments just don’t stop.

So what I’ve been wondering is, do we “late maternal age”-ers hold on tighter? Because we can’t extend the baby time, do we impose our emotions on our young adults? I feel like I’ve had to work extra hard to loosen the reigns and lengthen the leash and let them fly on their own. I even romanticize those days of extra bedtime stories and snuggles, looking back longingly – when, in actuality, I just wanted them to go the f#$% to bed most nights, and was exhausted beyond all reason by the time their nighttime routine was complete.

We went to his Grade 8 graduation and I loved every minute of it. I love that he didn’t want to fall in with the troops and get formalwear, because it’s just not him. I love that he rolled with it and went for me, even though he didn’t see the big deal about grade 8 graduation. I loved all of it.

What I didn’t love was accepting it all. He’s no Little Bunny, he’s a big kid. A teen. A high schooler. He’s making his own decisions and cooking up his own plans.

At 50 with children that are really starting to flex their independence, I have this constant feeling like I’ve got handfuls of sand. The more I try to hold onto them and keep all the moments and memories of sand wrapped up safe and tight, the faster the grains of sand slip through my fingers and into the past.

So onwards and upwards to high school, but I’ve decided that he may have to put up with me calling him Little Bunny just a little longer.

5 Communication tips to make sure you are heard

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in The Best You .

When you speak – you want people to listen (especially our partners and children). Although most people think that if you yell, you will be heard. It’s quite the opposite. I have put together 5 effective communication strategies to help you succeed in the art of conversation and ensure that your message is well-received and understood.

1.Stay Calm and Be Positive

Use your words to help you, not sabotage you. If you communicate with anger and negativity, no one will listen. If you’ve got your back up, you need to address it – before you start talking. Take a timeout so you can calm down and see clearly. Often, when you wait it out, your perceptions will change and you can reclaim your perspective. Calm tells the other person that you want to address the issue as a win-win situation.

2.Choose Your Words Carefully

Before you speak, consider the words you choose. Never begin a conversation on the attack. If you start a sentence with You, Why or What, you may come across as accusatory and your conversation will be interpreted as ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’. Try instead to start with “I” phrases that take ownership of your feelings such as, ‘I noticed that…, I appreciate it when you X, and when X happens, it…, I know it was with good intentions that…, , or, I love that you’….When you begin your sentences with feelings about the other person first, the other person is more likely to welcome being invited into the conversation and hear what you’re saying.

3. Watch Your Tone

Your tone sets the stage. The tone you take can make or break a conversation regardless of the words you use. Even the nicest of intentions can sound hurtful or accusatory, if you choose the wrong tone. How do you keep your tone on track? Keep calm and positive, but don’t forget to also be kind and firm. You can talk all you want, but if your tone is sending a different message, nothing you say will help you.

4. Consider Your Body Language

What is your body saying about your intent? If you want to be heard, not only do you have to watch what you say, but you also have to be mindful of what your body is saying as as well. Direct eye contact is key. Holding your phone, a pen, a food item? You won’t be taken seriously if you’re trying to convey a message while multitasking. Focus on one thing. If you want respect and validation, you also have to give it.

Get on-level too.

That means, if the other person is standing, you stand. If they’re sitting, you sit. Your goal is not only to create rapport and buy-in so your party listens, but also demonstrate that you are equals in the conversation.

Conversing with your children? Get down to their level. You don’t want to be over-bearing, a bully, or be a parent who imparts a dictatorship style of parenting. Fill their power buckets. Empower your children. That is, after all, your job.

5. Be Thankful

Giving thanks is an important step that many people forget. Let the other person know you appreciate them for not only taking the time to listen, but for hearing you and taking part in the conversation. Gratitude sets up a positive platform not just for the relationship and your expectations, but also for the next time you need to get something off your chest. All relationships hit bumps in the road and require continual communication to overcome barriers.

When you feel thankful, you allow the other person to feel thankful too, and that’s good insurance for the next time you need to have a conversation or chat with your child, or anyone for that matter.

Final thoughts: Listening and hearing are two different things. Hearing someone speak is not the same as listening to what they’re saying. Listen. Be an active participant. Lead by example.

Happy Communicating!

In practice for over 12 years, Lauren Millman is a highly sought-after Toronto Marriage & Relationship Coach and Counsellor, Mental Health Practitioner and Parenting Specialist, and is a member of the Ontario Association for Family Mediation. Lauren is a regular guest contributor on TV’s Rogers Daytime! York Region, and The Mediation Station. She has also been a guest on SiriusXM Radio Canada. Lauren is an international best- selling author, writes regularly for several online publications including Brazenwoman, PinkandBlue North America, and SiriusXM Canada, and was recently featured in the Toronto Star. Lauren continuously gives back to the community. In 2014, Lauren was the Recipient of the International Women In Leadership Award.

Don’t you love the unsolicited advice?

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

photo: Alan Levine

For me, the most annoying part of parenthood has nothing to do with how to raise my children and everything to do with everyone else’s opinion of how to raise my children.

I’d be giving my baby a bottle, and perfect strangers would tell me “You should give breastfeeding a chance.”

I struggled with extremely low milk production caused by a medical issue – people would tell me not to put so much effort into pumping – that formula would be fine.

One person said “They should sleep on the tummy” while the next article insisted back-sleeping for infants.

Time-outs are good. Time-outs are damaging their confidence.

Put them to bed early. Put them to bed late. Add Omega 3, stop adding it…

AAAAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

It’s no wonder that we have these poor moms in every mommy group on Facebook (and there are hundreds of these groups) crowdsourcing Every. Single. Thing. Which formula is the purest? Should I put my toddler in Nike or New Balance runners? My baby sneezed, should I go to the emergency?

All of this unsolicited parenting advice is turning all but the most confident people into jittery parents who constantly second guess themselves and don’t have any faith in their own parenting instincts any more.

photo: Michael Coghlan

I was just out with my friend Carol – a mom of three boys and a well-loved mommy blogger, friend, and founder of Plenty, and we were commiserating. It’s not just “boy mom” stuff, because I know that there are some little girls that are a serious handful. It’s not just a “mom-of-2” thing or a “mom-of-3” thing – because there are parents of singletons that have way more than enough to handle with just one, but let’s face it. Two or three rambunctious little boys only two years apart is a much different parenting experience than a quiet, well-behaved singleton.

We shared a laugh at some of the unsolicited advice we’d recently received.

“Put them on a schedule” she chided. “Like ‘OOOHHHHH! I never thought of that!’ Don’t they think that if it worked for my family I’d have done that?” I countered with “Well I just expect my child to listen to me. They know what I will tolerate and what’s not allowed.”

Yes, seriously, we laughed and laughed.

And while whatever works for your family is fine, we, as parents, are all just trying to survive our offspring.

photo: Hey Paul Studios

Good for you if you have a child that will come, go, listen and obey “because you say so” but that doesn’t fly with my 6 year old son that I’ve always (lovingly) called “The Triplets” because I feel like he’s the effort and has the energy of at least three. Every family is so different. Sure, there are truisms – like “if you don’t want cavities your kid should brush and floss after every meal” but schedules, sleep routines, discipline, feeding issues and other dynamics are very individual.

We’re all special snowflakes.

Carol and I laughed as we compared notes on the things we’d been told by parents, friends – even childless friends – and more.

If you still don’t understand why I don’t like unsolicited advice, think of it this way: Don’t you hate when millionaires say “It’s easy to make it – if I can do it so can you.” If it were so *effing* easy we’d all be millionaires. I also recall this Beck quote about making music being the most fun job in the world and he didn’t understand why everyone didn’t become a rockstar.

Umm…

It’s all in perspective. Sometimes people that have control of a situation seem to feel the need to tell the less-in-control people how easy it is. There’s no empathy. It really just comes across as people not having a clue.

It’s not easy.

It’s not easy to become a millionaire and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to become a rockstar and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to manage children and, well, you know…

I know that friends, family members and colleagues only want to help. Perfect strangers trying to put their two cents in honestly baffle me.

I do have one piece of advice I will give unsolicited when someone I know gets pregnant: You know what you’re doing, don’t take any unsolicited advice.

So take my advice here (😊) the only advice you need is the advice you ask for.

Suburban Mommy Michelle adds: The minute I threw away those parenting books and stopped listening to everybody’s two cents, I became a happier person and a better parent. Go with your gut!

10 questions with Relationship and Parenting Coach & Counsellor Lauren Millman

Posted on April 27, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in 10 Questions With .

Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Now try to be a parent and a spouse at the same time. Not sleeping, trying to manage a household – life can be spin out of control so quickly. Urban Suburban Mommy thought it was about time that we spoke to a relationship expert for tips and advice on how to manage life with kids. We are excited to share our 10 questions with parenting specialist Lauren Millman – we are sure you will find her answers to be very insightful.

1. What do you say to parents who are sleep deprived and are trying to be the most effective parent/partner?

We know that when we’re sleep deprived, we’re short-tempered, curt, and often very reactive, living in the ‘heat of the moment.” Let your kids know that your tired and short on patience, but that you’re going to try your best to be kind, level-headed, and responsive to them. Parents can use techniques like breathing in slowly and exhaling slowly to lower the sympathetic nervous system which will keep you in check and calm. I also recommend the smiling technique. We can trick the brain into thinking we’re ok and in control, even when we’re not, by placing a gentle smile upon our faces. Try yelling or being angry while smiling! See, it works!!!

2. What tips can you provide to help parents carve out me time or couple time?

Life is so busy these days, with working moms and dads, kids, extra-curricular activities, the busyness of being busy, and finding time for yourself, your significant other, or even a date-night, can be difficult at best. Arrange “couple time” or “me time” ahead of time. Sit down with your partner and review each others’ schedules in order to make time for one-on-one time for conversation and catch-up, and even a date night. Then, book it in, just like an appointment. By doing this, you can mentally and organizationally prepare-get a sitter, put the kids to bed, sneak a lunch with each other, and plan that date-night.

3. How do you help parents work out their frustrations with their kids or partners?

One of the biggest pitfalls of any relationship is the lack of outlets to express that frustration as well as the lack of effective communication. When we feel frustrated, we often escalate emotions, and feed into that frustration which, in the end, is counter-productive and ineffective to the goals we’re trying to reach. When you begin to feel frustrated, know that what your doing and identify that the way in which you are handling things isn’t working.Take a time out, re-group, compose yourself, and then move forward. When we’re frustrated we’re in fight or flight mode, and we’re reacting and not thinking clearly. It’s o.k. to take a step back, and wait. Disengage kindly and calmly until you can come back and lead by example. You can also write out your frustrations in a diary or notebook, wait, and then assess if you need to revisit the situation or if your frustrations have subsided. Pick your battles, right?! Calm does win the day. You will be able to express yourself in a dignified manner and save face. You are now able to give your child or your partner, the courtesy of a successful outcome too.

4. What advice do you give to moms who feel like they are failing and can’t manage everything?

You can’t manage everything. You may be able to for a short while, but eventually it can catch up with you in some not-so-nice ways: like feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, panic-stricken, highly reactive, or even lashing out or yelling frequently. We can be Supermoms, but with balance. Ask for help. Accept help. Say no.

I learned that if I was going to be the best Mom, wife, and person to myself, I had to set limits. No one is judging you. You’re a busy mom. You’re not failing, you’re just taking on too much and you’re not a machine. Let yourself off the hook. You’re doing the best you can with what you have at this moment in time. It’s all temporary. And remember, you’re not supposed to manage everything. You’re supposed to love your kids, and enjoy them.

5. How important is “me” time and how often should it be taken?

If mom is happy, the kids are happy. “Me” time is critical for moms to recharge and reboot. I always tell my mom clients to make a date with yourself. Dads should do this too. Make a lunch date with your girlfriends, or go to a movie. You can even take yourself out for a nice walk, a Starbucks coffee, or buy yourself that favorite undergarment from Victoria’s Secret or that amazing lip gloss you’ve wanted. You’re not breaking the bank but rather, its about spending quality time with one of the most important, special and valuable people you know. You! But here’s the catch – No electronics!

6. Is there such a thing as “balance”?

I get asked this question all the time, and I always say yes, there can be, when and if you allow yourself the space to breathe and let some things go until later or tomorrow. The best thing to do is to map out your day, and structure your week from stat to finish. That means, create a schedule for you that works with your lifestyle and commitments, and get your older children and significant other involved. Of course, it’s easier to ask your partner to help out rather than your kids, because we are convinced they complete a task incorrectly. And to that, I always say, “So what!” So what if it’s not done the way you would do it? At least it’s getting done. Now you are able to get a little balance and free up your time.

7. At what age do you think that children are really affected by their parent’s behavior?

Babies as young 10 months are attuned to your tone and will respond accordingly. Sometimes babies will mirror behavior or will act still and quiet as they attempt to assess if their situation is safe or dangerous. We have to remember, as Adlerian Psychology explains, that children are hard-wired to emulate the behavior around them, kind of a monkey-see, monkey-do effect. When we raise our voices, yell, or scream, we’re giving license to our children to repeat the same behaviors. We can’t say that as a parent, we have different rules. Children are also wired to have their own buckets of power which are also filled with fairness, respect, and dignity. How you treat children will affect how they treat others, including you. Our job as parents is to empower. The best way to do this is lead by example in every way possible.

8. Why would you recommend counselling to parents?

When your current approach isn’t working, coaching and counselling for parents can be invaluable as it can help with learning new skills, strategies, and techniques. Counselling can help you get out of a rut when you find that no matter what you’re doing, the behavior just isn’t correctable. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of stepping out of your box and seeing a little bit of the forest, when you part the trees. Other times, it may be that mom and dad are having a hard time and those issues are interfering with successful parenting and the family dynamic. Counselling can help you deal and cope with issues and there are many in life.

9. Why is it important to ask for help?

The hardest thing to do is to ask for help, because when we do, we’re acknowledging that we can’t manage. That’s hard on the ego. I was there once too—it was so difficult for me to ask for help. But I did it. It saved everything, including my sanity and the health and wellness of my family. The nicest thing about asking for help is that it puts you ahead of everyone else who hasn’t. Now that you asked for help – the hardest part is over. Now you are halfway to achieving happiness, learning positive parenting skills, as well as effective and successful communication. All you need to do is pick up the phone or text a few characters. If you feel like your struggles are bigger than you, or getting the better of you, it’s OK and it’s time to ask for help.

10. How can counselling help families?

Coaching and counselling can bring families and individuals together so that the family dynamic is harmonious, happy, and everyone learns how to get along. In counselling, families are made aware of what the rules and expectations are, what the negotiables and non-negotiables are, and how everyone can work toward the common goal of happy. No family is perfect, and there will most certainly be ups, downs, challenges and pit falls. But armed with the right tools, and the “know-how” about how to handle these situations when they arise, counselling can ensure a family dynamic that is kind, calm, thoughtful, and happy.

About Lauren Millman

You want to tell me how to manage my strong-willed child?

Posted on January 13, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

About once a year I find all of my friends – and their friends and every mommy group on the web plastering social media with posts about how to manage strong-willed children. Sometimes it’s “Take the power back” sometimes it’s “You spared the rod and you spoiled your child” and sometimes it’s just “10 things you’re doing wrong” all of which make me feel like writing a bunch of expletives in comment boxes.

Part of me has some hope that the article will have the magic secret to super-simplify my existence, part of me is upset that everyone out there – without a truly strong-willed child – thinks there’s something you’re doing wrong.

Having a strong-willed child is a real thing. Lots of parents *think* they have a strong-willed child, but all kids are challenging from time to time. Your kid doesn’t want to eat their dinner sometimes? Please. Your kid pitches a fit because his shirt is the wrong shade of blue? But of course. Your child doesn’t want to follow directions the first, second or third time you ask?

Baaaahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

My strong-willed child will teach you what a strong-willed child actually is. I won’t go deep into detail about my sweet little guy (and yes, for all his strong will and challenge, he’s super sweet), but yes, it apparently IS possible to get suspended in Junior Kindergarten within 2 months of starting school.

He’s an awesome kid – very smart, and as I mentioned, super sweet – and many adults are no match for him. I’m no match for him. I’m pretty sure he’s smarter than me – much, much smarter than me.

photo: Kyle May

Strong-willed – for lack of a better word – means that they really are a lot tougher than most kids in terms of their convictions and desires. They’re the Alpha Dog in the pack whether you’ve relinquished your seat as Alpha Dog or not. They simply don’t accept that anyone else is in charge.

And that’s that.

It doesn’t start when they realize you’re willing to give in, it doesn’t grow because you let it. As an adult you can rationally sit there and say “I’m in charge and that kid is going to listen to me.” As a strong-willed kid, they’re just programmed to believe they have equal rights and won’t relinquish that control. They don’t have a strategy, it’s just who they are.

We all hate unsolicited parenting advice, but there are some universals we all share as parents – trying to find ways to get kids to eat more veggies; trying to teach them responsibility so that we’re not constantly replacing lost jackets and toys; trying to make them do homework. But “Taking the power back from your strong-willed child” is not universal. It’s not fun to feel that you’re the mom that’s losing at parenting because the fix is so easy.

He can outlast any standoff, he can resist any consequence, and he’s happy to spite himself to prove he’s right. The only thing that works in our house is love, love, love, love and more love.

We’ve tried to figure out how to manage it. We’ve read the posts. We’ve consulted a few authorities – from Dr. Sears to Dr. Neufeld to Dr. Seuss, so far the only advice I’ve gleaned that works is “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”