relationships – Urban Suburban Mommy

5 Communication tips to make sure you are heard

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in The Best You .

When you speak – you want people to listen (especially our partners and children). Although most people think that if you yell, you will be heard. It’s quite the opposite. I have put together 5 effective communication strategies to help you succeed in the art of conversation and ensure that your message is well-received and understood.

1.Stay Calm and Be Positive

Use your words to help you, not sabotage you. If you communicate with anger and negativity, no one will listen. If you’ve got your back up, you need to address it – before you start talking. Take a timeout so you can calm down and see clearly. Often, when you wait it out, your perceptions will change and you can reclaim your perspective. Calm tells the other person that you want to address the issue as a win-win situation.

2.Choose Your Words Carefully

Before you speak, consider the words you choose. Never begin a conversation on the attack. If you start a sentence with You, Why or What, you may come across as accusatory and your conversation will be interpreted as ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’. Try instead to start with “I” phrases that take ownership of your feelings such as, ‘I noticed that…, I appreciate it when you X, and when X happens, it…, I know it was with good intentions that…, , or, I love that you’….When you begin your sentences with feelings about the other person first, the other person is more likely to welcome being invited into the conversation and hear what you’re saying.

3. Watch Your Tone

Your tone sets the stage. The tone you take can make or break a conversation regardless of the words you use. Even the nicest of intentions can sound hurtful or accusatory, if you choose the wrong tone. How do you keep your tone on track? Keep calm and positive, but don’t forget to also be kind and firm. You can talk all you want, but if your tone is sending a different message, nothing you say will help you.

4. Consider Your Body Language

What is your body saying about your intent? If you want to be heard, not only do you have to watch what you say, but you also have to be mindful of what your body is saying as as well. Direct eye contact is key. Holding your phone, a pen, a food item? You won’t be taken seriously if you’re trying to convey a message while multitasking. Focus on one thing. If you want respect and validation, you also have to give it.

Get on-level too.

That means, if the other person is standing, you stand. If they’re sitting, you sit. Your goal is not only to create rapport and buy-in so your party listens, but also demonstrate that you are equals in the conversation.

Conversing with your children? Get down to their level. You don’t want to be over-bearing, a bully, or be a parent who imparts a dictatorship style of parenting. Fill their power buckets. Empower your children. That is, after all, your job.

5. Be Thankful

Giving thanks is an important step that many people forget. Let the other person know you appreciate them for not only taking the time to listen, but for hearing you and taking part in the conversation. Gratitude sets up a positive platform not just for the relationship and your expectations, but also for the next time you need to get something off your chest. All relationships hit bumps in the road and require continual communication to overcome barriers.

When you feel thankful, you allow the other person to feel thankful too, and that’s good insurance for the next time you need to have a conversation or chat with your child, or anyone for that matter.

Final thoughts: Listening and hearing are two different things. Hearing someone speak is not the same as listening to what they’re saying. Listen. Be an active participant. Lead by example.

Happy Communicating!

In practice for over 12 years, Lauren Millman is a highly sought-after Toronto Marriage & Relationship Coach and Counsellor, Mental Health Practitioner and Parenting Specialist, and is a member of the Ontario Association for Family Mediation. Lauren is a regular guest contributor on TV’s Rogers Daytime! York Region, and The Mediation Station. She has also been a guest on SiriusXM Radio Canada. Lauren is an international best- selling author, writes regularly for several online publications including Brazenwoman, PinkandBlue North America, and SiriusXM Canada, and was recently featured in the Toronto Star. Lauren continuously gives back to the community. In 2014, Lauren was the Recipient of the International Women In Leadership Award.

Parenting as a team. Who’s side are you on anyway?

Posted on June 2, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in Urban Suburban Mommy .

It’s tough at the best of times to parent. It’s even tougher when there’s more than one of you.

Remember before you had kids? You had it all planned out in your head, and you knew exactly what kind of parent you were going to be, and how you were going to do that.

I remember.

photo: Newtown grafitti

And then, there were two. Two of you, and that meant you weren’t alone in your parenting decisions, styles, or ideas. As a parent, you instantly become one half of the team. Difficult for some, especially if you’re a take-charge kind of person, but if you’re going to parent successfully, it has to be done as a partnership.

Like marriage, parenting is teamwork, and like any team, you need to get to know your opponent so they become not only your ally, but your confidant, support system, and partner. It may be difficult to take a step back as commander and settle into the role of member, but remember who you’re doing it for, and the motives behind it. As a parent, your role is to empower, lead by example, and show a united front, so that your kids grow into confident, self-assured team-players themselves. So what’s important here, and how do you do that?

1. You’re a Partnership. Be A Partnership.

Before any partnership can be successful, you have to understand them. Learn about your partner’s parenting styles. Everyone has different ideas and styles, and at the end of the day, each of you will have something constructive, important and valuable to contribute. Make sure that your styles compliment each other. If some don’t, that’s okay, but talk about when a parenting style is ok to institute, and when not. If you’re not sure, discuss it. When it comes to consequencing, (not punishing, there’s ever a lesson in that), ensure you’re both on the same page for that particular incident or issue. Let your partner know how you’ve handled things, what was said, and what, if any, were the consequences. The last thing you want is to confuse your child. There should be no “well Mommy said”, or “Daddy said”… Be consistent. Don’t belittle your kids either, while you’re having your discussion with them. Always be thinking how you can fill their empowerment cups.

2. Create a Plan-Of-Action.

Before any action plan can work, there must be open communication.You’ve got to share the reigns now. That was a hard one for me. Being able to have a conversation about your parenting styles is tantamount. Discuss the 5-W’s of how you’re going to parent; What, Where, When, Why, Who, and How. Don’t forget to tag-team the other person if you’re not able to keep your cool or if things begin to escalate in your little one. You can also disengage, take a few minutes for your own time-out, regroup, collect your wits, and come back. You’ll get more leverage out of of parenting this way, and you’ll also be teaching your child about emotional control and ownership of one’s emotions.

photo: Prachatai

3. Agree to Disagree.

For some, this means taking that back seat and listening to what your partner has to say. Hear what they have to say, without being reactive. Nothing good ever came from impulse. Be considerate. Listen. Think, Consider. Acknowledge and validate.

You may not think at that moment, their ideas or how-to’s are amenable to you, so take it in, let it brew in your mind so you can respond in calm, and revisit. Let your partner know you respect their ideas, otherwise, you’ve lost even before things have begun. It’s great to be able to have a discussion about certain ideas, because often better ideas come to the surface. And, it’s another great bonding opportunity for you and your partner.

photo: Laurent Bartkowski

4. It’s all about the Compromise.

If you’ve agreed to disagree, in fact what you’ve inadvertently but constructively done, is create an open space for further discussion to compromise. Like marriage, it’s not about making concessions, succeeding everything, relenting, or just giving up. It’s about the journey. The compromise. Not only is this another great bonding opportunity for you and your partner, but you can actually work a lot out and learn about each other when you’ve learnt how to compromise, and have had an opportunity to see how it feels to be successful in that. It’s what I call the “experience of the experience.” If you haven’t felt how good something feels, you won’t necessarily remember it when you need to.

Don’t forget to let all your caregivers know how you parent, so there’s even more consistency for you and your child(ren).
Happy Parenting!

About Lauren Millman

10 questions with Relationship and Parenting Coach & Counsellor Lauren Millman

Posted on April 27, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in 10 Questions With .

Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Now try to be a parent and a spouse at the same time. Not sleeping, trying to manage a household – life can be spin out of control so quickly. Urban Suburban Mommy thought it was about time that we spoke to a relationship expert for tips and advice on how to manage life with kids. We are excited to share our 10 questions with parenting specialist Lauren Millman – we are sure you will find her answers to be very insightful.

1. What do you say to parents who are sleep deprived and are trying to be the most effective parent/partner?

We know that when we’re sleep deprived, we’re short-tempered, curt, and often very reactive, living in the ‘heat of the moment.” Let your kids know that your tired and short on patience, but that you’re going to try your best to be kind, level-headed, and responsive to them. Parents can use techniques like breathing in slowly and exhaling slowly to lower the sympathetic nervous system which will keep you in check and calm. I also recommend the smiling technique. We can trick the brain into thinking we’re ok and in control, even when we’re not, by placing a gentle smile upon our faces. Try yelling or being angry while smiling! See, it works!!!

2. What tips can you provide to help parents carve out me time or couple time?

Life is so busy these days, with working moms and dads, kids, extra-curricular activities, the busyness of being busy, and finding time for yourself, your significant other, or even a date-night, can be difficult at best. Arrange “couple time” or “me time” ahead of time. Sit down with your partner and review each others’ schedules in order to make time for one-on-one time for conversation and catch-up, and even a date night. Then, book it in, just like an appointment. By doing this, you can mentally and organizationally prepare-get a sitter, put the kids to bed, sneak a lunch with each other, and plan that date-night.

3. How do you help parents work out their frustrations with their kids or partners?

One of the biggest pitfalls of any relationship is the lack of outlets to express that frustration as well as the lack of effective communication. When we feel frustrated, we often escalate emotions, and feed into that frustration which, in the end, is counter-productive and ineffective to the goals we’re trying to reach. When you begin to feel frustrated, know that what your doing and identify that the way in which you are handling things isn’t working.Take a time out, re-group, compose yourself, and then move forward. When we’re frustrated we’re in fight or flight mode, and we’re reacting and not thinking clearly. It’s o.k. to take a step back, and wait. Disengage kindly and calmly until you can come back and lead by example. You can also write out your frustrations in a diary or notebook, wait, and then assess if you need to revisit the situation or if your frustrations have subsided. Pick your battles, right?! Calm does win the day. You will be able to express yourself in a dignified manner and save face. You are now able to give your child or your partner, the courtesy of a successful outcome too.

4. What advice do you give to moms who feel like they are failing and can’t manage everything?

You can’t manage everything. You may be able to for a short while, but eventually it can catch up with you in some not-so-nice ways: like feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, panic-stricken, highly reactive, or even lashing out or yelling frequently. We can be Supermoms, but with balance. Ask for help. Accept help. Say no.

I learned that if I was going to be the best Mom, wife, and person to myself, I had to set limits. No one is judging you. You’re a busy mom. You’re not failing, you’re just taking on too much and you’re not a machine. Let yourself off the hook. You’re doing the best you can with what you have at this moment in time. It’s all temporary. And remember, you’re not supposed to manage everything. You’re supposed to love your kids, and enjoy them.

5. How important is “me” time and how often should it be taken?

If mom is happy, the kids are happy. “Me” time is critical for moms to recharge and reboot. I always tell my mom clients to make a date with yourself. Dads should do this too. Make a lunch date with your girlfriends, or go to a movie. You can even take yourself out for a nice walk, a Starbucks coffee, or buy yourself that favorite undergarment from Victoria’s Secret or that amazing lip gloss you’ve wanted. You’re not breaking the bank but rather, its about spending quality time with one of the most important, special and valuable people you know. You! But here’s the catch – No electronics!

6. Is there such a thing as “balance”?

I get asked this question all the time, and I always say yes, there can be, when and if you allow yourself the space to breathe and let some things go until later or tomorrow. The best thing to do is to map out your day, and structure your week from stat to finish. That means, create a schedule for you that works with your lifestyle and commitments, and get your older children and significant other involved. Of course, it’s easier to ask your partner to help out rather than your kids, because we are convinced they complete a task incorrectly. And to that, I always say, “So what!” So what if it’s not done the way you would do it? At least it’s getting done. Now you are able to get a little balance and free up your time.

7. At what age do you think that children are really affected by their parent’s behavior?

Babies as young 10 months are attuned to your tone and will respond accordingly. Sometimes babies will mirror behavior or will act still and quiet as they attempt to assess if their situation is safe or dangerous. We have to remember, as Adlerian Psychology explains, that children are hard-wired to emulate the behavior around them, kind of a monkey-see, monkey-do effect. When we raise our voices, yell, or scream, we’re giving license to our children to repeat the same behaviors. We can’t say that as a parent, we have different rules. Children are also wired to have their own buckets of power which are also filled with fairness, respect, and dignity. How you treat children will affect how they treat others, including you. Our job as parents is to empower. The best way to do this is lead by example in every way possible.

8. Why would you recommend counselling to parents?

When your current approach isn’t working, coaching and counselling for parents can be invaluable as it can help with learning new skills, strategies, and techniques. Counselling can help you get out of a rut when you find that no matter what you’re doing, the behavior just isn’t correctable. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of stepping out of your box and seeing a little bit of the forest, when you part the trees. Other times, it may be that mom and dad are having a hard time and those issues are interfering with successful parenting and the family dynamic. Counselling can help you deal and cope with issues and there are many in life.

9. Why is it important to ask for help?

The hardest thing to do is to ask for help, because when we do, we’re acknowledging that we can’t manage. That’s hard on the ego. I was there once too—it was so difficult for me to ask for help. But I did it. It saved everything, including my sanity and the health and wellness of my family. The nicest thing about asking for help is that it puts you ahead of everyone else who hasn’t. Now that you asked for help – the hardest part is over. Now you are halfway to achieving happiness, learning positive parenting skills, as well as effective and successful communication. All you need to do is pick up the phone or text a few characters. If you feel like your struggles are bigger than you, or getting the better of you, it’s OK and it’s time to ask for help.

10. How can counselling help families?

Coaching and counselling can bring families and individuals together so that the family dynamic is harmonious, happy, and everyone learns how to get along. In counselling, families are made aware of what the rules and expectations are, what the negotiables and non-negotiables are, and how everyone can work toward the common goal of happy. No family is perfect, and there will most certainly be ups, downs, challenges and pit falls. But armed with the right tools, and the “know-how” about how to handle these situations when they arise, counselling can ensure a family dynamic that is kind, calm, thoughtful, and happy.

About Lauren Millman

10 Questions with a matchmaker about getting mama back into the dating scene

Posted on February 10, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in 10 Questions With .

We caught up with professional matchmaker Anne Marshall, the owner of Junia Matchmaking services – junia.ca. Anne helps people improve their dating profiles and helps them find love. We know the dating scene has changed a lot since we were in our college days, and with kids in tow and a career, household, bills, and all of the other fun that comes with adulthood, love and romance can take a backburner. But mama’s got needs, and getting back into the dating scene can be hard, so we asked this matchmaker the things you know you want to know about getting back into the dating scene.

photo: Natesh Ramasamy

1. How long should you wait after a breakup to get back into dating?

There’s no set formula for determining whether you’re ready – it’s really a matter of feeling like you are. However, a smart person I know once told me (after the breakup of my 8-year relationship) that I could expect to grieve about one month for every year we were together.

I have no idea what her inspiration for saying this was – I’ve actually looked to back it up, and found no source – but it turned out to be very true in my case. Since then I’ve noted similar patterns with shorter relationships (1 month together equals 1 week of feeling bad after being dumped).

In instances where you were the one who instigated the breakup, of course, these timelines might look very different. It’s also important to have an idea of what kind of relationship you’re seeking when you start dating again. Some are looking for more serious commitments than others. I definitely wouldn’t advise going straight after the Next Big Love, in any case. Take some time to enjoy the process of dating, and being single while it lasts.

photo: Jim Bauer

2. “The dating scene has changed since I was last in it” or “I was with my ex since high school, I’ve never been out in the dating scene” are 2 very common concerns, how do you address these concerns?

Even if you were last in the dating scene three months ago, it has always changed.

I think the worry that you’re doing it wrong is pretty universal. When it comes to online dating, which is probably the most popular way for people who have had children to put themselves out there again, you really have to take a few hours to learn the ins and outs of a particular website that they want to use.

I mean, if your grandfather’s on Facebook and your Aunt Helen has an Instagram, there’s no excuse. These are platforms that anyone can navigate if they really take the time to explore and learn. Go through the entire tutorial and save yourself months of frustration! But many people won’t bother, or fear the technology for whatever reason and just have convinced themselves that they can’t do it. So I run an event a few times a year called the Modern Dating Boot Camp, in which I basically school people in the best practices of navigating online dating in general, and them some of the more popular dating websites. If they attend that session and they still find they can’t or don’t want to do it for themselves, then they hire me. I also have to recommend a great book published last year: Modern Romance, by the comedian Aziz Ansari. It’s hilarious, and absolutely full of good advice for those who might be feeling overwhelmed at the thought of dating again.

3. Is online dating really safe?

I believe that it’s no less safe than “traditional” dating, which means it’s as safe as you can make it. There was a story in Vanity Fair about a female producer from NBC News, who was romantically duped and financially defrauded by a so-called “celebrity surgeon.” He made an utter fool of her and there were many red flags along the way, but even a woman as accomplished as this, with a hard nose for news, failed to follow the basics.

Here’s one: don’t deliberately seek a relationship with anyone who lives more than about an hour away. Why would you? Don’t give anyone big gifts of money, or pay for them to come and visit you with your credit card. If someone says he’s the Pope’s best friend, don’t believe him! Keep your spidey senses intact, and follow the basic rules of common sense: don’t date long distance, and don’t give away your money or your ID, and you’ll be fine.

4. I’ve met someone. How long should I wait to jump in the sack (a momma still has needs!)?

This is tough. It’s a personal choice, and there is no correct (or incorrect) response.

I know of many good, lasting relationships that began as nights of passion; I also know that many people would need to really know and trust someone before getting it on, no matter how long it’s been. But in my experience, anywhere from the 3rd to the 6th date tends to be the norm for people in their 30s, 40s and 50s, who form the bulk of my clientele. If the issue hadn’t at least been raised in conversation at that point, I’d suggest that’s the time to put it on the table.

photo: Javier Delgado

5. Do people really get tested still?

People do get tested, but I’d say that it’s not something that is talked about in online dating profiles the way it was once listed in the personals at the back of NOW magazine. “Drug and disease free” is one of those phrases that, when I encounter it online, almost immediately tells me that this individual has been “out of the game” for some time. It’s dated. I hate to say it, but the public conversation about STIs has really stopped ever since HIV became a treatable chronic condition rather than a death sentence. However, it’s definitely conversation that still takes place in private. I recommend bringing it up once you’re ready to move beyond the kissing stage. The truth is that every single STI is treatable, and many, if treated, can no longer be communicated, so it shouldn’t a conversation to fear. It’s only a bad conversation if you have to divulge things after the fact. So get tested, get treated (if necessary), and be okay with asking. If they haven’t been tested recently, then use a condom.

6. How long should I wait to introduce my new love interest to my kids?

Another tough one, and very personal. I think if you’re someone to whom the idea of dating is a very big deal, then you should wait until you’ve been seeing the person for several months. In that scenario, I think you’d want to have at least a couple conversations about your expectations for the way they’re going to interact with your kids, and how they will be introduced.

That intoxicating first rush of a new love can sometimes blind you to a person’s faults, and if you meet a guy who later falls out of favour, you may regret having brought him into the situation for any number of reasons. But if your children regularly interact with your adult world, if they know your friends and your co-workers, then someone you’re dating is just another friend in the beginning. It won’t be a big deal to the kids unless you make it a big deal, so that’s what you really need to watch out for.

7. What are the pitfalls of getting back in the game when you have kids?

Underselling yourself is a problem. It’s unfortunate, but a lot of newly single parents feel their chances of finding romance are reduced simply because they have children. People will settle for the first person who expresses an interest, rather than being discerning and recognizing that they have a lot more options than they might think.

I can tell you from my own personal experience that I was never more popular in my life when I put myself out there after splitting with my son’s father. To the right sort of person, having kids is not the obstacle people think it is, particularly not online. Women right now have a better chance at finding love after kids than any time in history, yet there’s this sense of desperation that results in poor decision-making.

8. What are red flags to look for when starting to connect with someone new?

Online, the number one red flag for me is distance. If someone’s living in the Arctic Circle then sure, it’s probably advisable for them to cast as wide a net as possible geographically. But if you’re living in the GTA and getting inquiries from people in Florida, or Germany, or even Montreal, you should ask yourself why they’d be reaching out to you. I mean, we’re all special, but no stranger is 2000-miles-away special. I’d be questioning the motives of someone who wanted to begin a relationship on those terms.

Another warning sign is no profile pic. As I always tell my clients who are reluctant to post a photo, nothing screams “I’m married!” quite like the lack of a picture. If you’re worried about being recognized by someone you know, my response to that is, well what were they doing looking at a dating site? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but it’s also not the kind of thing people call each other out on, in my experience.

Other, more general things I’d be wary of include someone who never seems to bring up the next date, or won’t make concrete plans. You need to be with somebody who understands that moms with kids can’t “play it by ear” when it comes to getting together, and someone who never makes those moves but waits for you to ask may also not be as “into it” as you are.

If you’ve been dating someone for a while, like more than a month, and you’ve never been invited over, that’s another red flag for me. Are they married? Are they a hoarder? Do they live with four roommates they haven’t told you about? If they can only ever meet at your place or in public, that’s a clue that something is off.

And if anyone asks you to give or lend them money, or to invest in a business opportunity, you run, don’t walk, away from that person. That’s just not a normal dating interaction at any age or stage.

9. Online dating – what are the best sites out there to meet a normal person?

All the actual dating websites are full of normal people, with a sprinkling of what I’ll kindly call less traditional characters. But my favourites tend to be the big free sites: OkCupid, POF (Plenty of Fish), and Zoosk.

In my job, I’ll sometimes come across the same person’s profile on four or five different websites. You’re going to see individuals who use multiple websites to increase their visibility – and this is a practice I recommend.

I will say that I don’t personally recommend the dating apps, such as Tinder or Bumble, which have the ability to put you in immediate contact with a stranger. In my opinion, and my clients’ and friends’ experience, they’re really just for hookups. If that’s what you’re looking for, however, then by all means swipe right!

10. What are good ideas for a first date?

If you’ve met the person in a “real world” setting, then the first date is going to be more like a real date, and less of a getting-to-know-you session. You may have even already discussed what you’d like to do together – go for dinner, catch that play, or check out an art exhibit. Your thinking is going to be a little different than on a blind date, or with someone you’ve met online.

photo: Nattu

But since I’m usually setting up dates for people who have never met in real life, for me, it’s “anything but coffee.” I’ve actually blogged about why I think coffee is a lame first date – although I understand that it has many advantages. It’s cheap, there are cafés on literally every street corner these days, and who doesn’t love caffeine? But I suspect that part of the reason that so many first dates never result in second dates is that people are setting themselves up for failure by planning these very uninspiring get-togethers.

I like a moving first date, one that starts on its feet and keeps going, and if things go well, then maybe you end up sitting down to really have a conversation. So instead of saying “Meet me at the Starbucks,” it’s “meet me near the Starbucks,” and if the weather’s good, you choose a busy neighbourhood to walk around. You can get a lot more comfortable walking side-by-side with someone. You get a sense of their physicality. You see what they notice – are they people watchers? Do they comment on store windows? Fancy cars? A good busy neighbourhood is ideal for that sort of thing.

In smaller places, head to the cutest, oldest part of downtown, or even the Farmer’s Market. Street festivals are another great idea for that reason, or a park on a busy Saturday afternoon. Heck, I’ve even sent people to Costco on a first date! It’s perfect: you stroll around, there’s a ton of stuff to look at, and best of all, free samples! Just make sure one of you has a membership first.

As long as you choose a public place that’s relatively populous, you’re going to be safe, there’s going to be a lot of things to look at and talk about, and if things go well, there’s always a place to sit down and grab a coffee, or a drink, or a three-course-meal if you like each other enough.

Anne Marshall is a dating coach, writer, and matchmaker. As the Yenta-in-Chief of Junia Matchmaking Services, she’s helped dozens of couples find each other online, and form lasting bonds in the real world. View her recent interview on CBC here or visit Junia Matchmaking Services for more professional advice.