Urban Suburban Mommy

Tag Archives: Dr. Sears

Battle of the baby boards

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I don’t know how parents did it before the Internet, but baby boards and parenting groups online seem to be the way we all share information.

So why all the fighting????

I love cruising parenting boards. I think it’s my favourite distraction. I love offering info, tips, and sometimes learning something new. The personal experiences are so interesting.

By nature I’m just a research junkie, so parenting boards scratch that itch for me. Of course, I’ve read Dr. Sears and Dr. Newman and Dr. Seuss, so I’ve got my foundation of highly regarded advice, but I’ve also read far too much about the far too unusual so I’m a bit of a Cliff Claven when it comes to parenting advice.

But the thing I don’t get is all of the fighting.

The Fighting!

Why all the bashing and trolling and arguing?

I think part of the problem is that there is no font for sarcasm. If there were a sarcasm font I believe half of the world’s problems would be solved and parenting boards would be a much safer place.

I think people start to become friends, and then want to back their friends up. If only we realized that being right has nothing to do with liking someone.

I think people are misinformed and just generalize information, or worse yet, assume what the answer should be, instead of being able to admit when they just don’t know. Like not being informed is a sign of bad parenting.

I think people are too ego-driven to be right.

Why even ask the question on a parenting board? You’re sitting at a computer. You’re typing a question. If you type the question into Bing, Google, Yahoo or any other search you’ll get some pretty verified answers.

Why crowdsource?

Crowdsourcing information is the best way to connect. It’s not about nailing the most perfect answer, it’s finding something to chat about with other mommies. A way to start a conversation. It’s a way to commiserate about a subject or dig and dig until you find an answer among the pile that suits you.

Motherhood can be very isolating.

You spend 24/7 with the babes. Of course, if you work out of the home then you spend 8/5 at work and the rest with the babes. With little time to chat with friends – and that time is spent chatting about your babies anyways when it does happen – baby boards allow you to connect with like-minded people and have a communal experience without having to be in the same room, the same city or even the same country.

I get the difference of opinions – vaccines, circumcision, natural childbirth – but I’m not referring to these big bad battles. These are the biggies, and they’ll wage on through the generations. I’m talking about posts like: Is it safe to give my child cow’s milk at 12 months? Can I eat sushi while pregnant? Should I pump and dump if I have a glass of wine?

There is a lot of misinformation, and a lot of changing information. Then there’s the fact that everyone has a different risk threshold. There are, though, women who give advice that is in no way correct. Just utterly unfounded. And this scares me.

First, if you’re crowdsourcing your question and you decide to rely on someone because you like their profile pic, or they once liked one of your posts, then you’re in deep trouble. And if it were only about the mama, well then go ahead. But if the info is going to harm a wee once, that’s crazy.

And you see these wars rage on and on. I steer clear. I don’t want to be part of mama wars. I don’t really get it. If you need someone to fight with, should it really be someone you don’t know behind a computer monitor who is in a group you sometimes snoop? Is there really a need?

Then there are the people crowdsourcing names. That always goes sideways. It should really be a rule that your child is the first person to hear the name you’ve picked out. Because inevitable, if you crowdsource enough people, you’ll get some nasty remark, and then you won’t be happy.

But the most incredulous crowdsourcing I’ve seen to date are the brag-sourcing mamas. “My little babe is 9 months and can’t tie her shoes yet. She can sing opera in three languages, bake perfect quiche and recite all of the state capitals, but her motor skills aren’t quite what they should be. Should I be worried or wait until she’s 10 months to see if it works out?”

Sheesh. I can see why those posts go off the rails.

While baby boards are really cool and great ways to connect, sometimes it just makes me wonder – parenting is time consuming. If you’re busy waging a mama war on a baby board, who’s watching your kids!!!!

You want to tell me how to manage my strong-willed child?

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

About once a year I find all of my friends – and their friends and every mommy group on the web plastering social media with posts about how to manage strong-willed children. Sometimes it’s “Take the power back” sometimes it’s “You spared the rod and you spoiled your child” and sometimes it’s just “10 things you’re doing wrong” all of which make me feel like writing a bunch of expletives in comment boxes.

tough guy

Part of me has some hope that the article will have the magic secret to super-simplify my existence, part of me is upset that everyone out there – without a truly strong-willed child – thinks there’s something you’re doing wrong.

Having a strong-willed child is a real thing. Lots of parents *think* they have a strong-willed child, but all kids are challenging from time to time. Your kid doesn’t want to eat their dinner sometimes? Please. Your kid pitches a fit because his shirt is the wrong shade of blue? But of course. Your child doesn’t want to follow directions the first, second or third time you ask?

Baaaahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

My strong-willed child will teach you what a strong-willed child actually is. I won’t go deep into detail about my sweet little guy (and yes, for all his strong will and challenge, he’s super sweet), but yes, it apparently IS possible to get suspended in Junior Kindergarten within 2 months of starting school.

He’s an awesome kid – very smart, and as I mentioned, super sweet – and many adults are no match for him. I’m no match for him. I’m pretty sure he’s smarter than me – much, much smarter than me.

Strong-willed – for lack of a better word – means that they really are a lot tougher than most kids in terms of their convictions and desires. They’re the Alpha Dog in the pack whether you’ve relinquished your seat as Alpha Dog or not. They simply don’t accept that anyone else is in charge.

And that’s that.

It doesn’t start when they realize you’re willing to give in, it doesn’t grow because you let it. As an adult you can rationally sit there and say “I’m in charge and that kid is going to listen to me.” As a strong-willed kid, they’re just programmed to believe they have equal rights and won’t relinquish that control. They don’t have a strategy, it’s just who they are.

We all hate unsolicited parenting advice, but there are some universals we all share as parents – trying to find ways to get kids to eat more veggies; trying to teach them responsibility so that we’re not constantly replacing lost jackets and toys; trying to make them do homework. But “Taking the power back from your strong-willed child” is not universal. It’s not fun to feel that you’re the mom that’s losing at parenting because the fix is so easy.

He can outlast any standoff, he can resist any consequence, and he’s happy to spite himself to prove he’s right. The only thing that works in our house is love, love, love, love and more love.

We’ve tried to figure out how to manage it. We’ve read the  posts. We’ve consulted a few authorities – from Dr. Sears to Dr. Neufeld to Dr. Seuss, so far the only advice I’ve gleaned that works is “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

dr seuss