boys – Urban Suburban Mommy

Raising Boys and the Art of Poop

Posted on May 26, 2017 by Alexis Nicols Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I’m raising three boys. I married one, gave birth to the other two.

Before you label me an emasculating nag, let me just tell you that my husband is an awesome father and partner, and he routinely scrubs the finish off of my plastic cookware, at least he’s doing the dishes.

Also, he once tried to fix an electrical outlet with a butter knife. While the power was still on. So, that’s what I’m working with.

photo: Jay Bohnsack

The trajectory of learning to raise boys was not so much a curve, but rather an abrupt drop that plummeted to the depths of sanity, with me shrieking all the way. I have a sister. My mom has a sister. My maternal grandmother had two sisters.

“Girl” is a language I’m familiar with.

My husband prepared me for raising boys in bits and bites; by the time I was pregnant with my first child, I was ready to have a toilet seat perpetually raised, a trail of clothing on the floor (presumably, to help him find his way to the kitchen) and an affinity for sports. My husband was rebellious and untamed back in his day (he specifically asked that I not mention the time he stole a street cleaner, so I won’t.) We thought we could anticipate and be prepared for anything our boys threw at us.

As it turned out, we were dumb.

Boys are encoded with baffling behaviour and unexplained rituals. Every time I catch up, something new comes along. If you have any insights on the following, I’m all ears:

Mess:

Imagine a dumpster fire. Now it’s in your living room. My home is a constant eruption of indelible markers, old food, new food and toys that are designed to break the sound barrier and the human spirit. I don’t need a nanny, I need a priest.

Smell:

I’m not talking about the obvious shaboomie in the diaper after taco night. I’m talking about the pervasive, insistent aroma that follows my boys around. Nate’s natural smell seems to be yogurt and dirty running shoes. And sometimes poop. Which leads me to…

Poop:

My kids are obsessed. They talk about poop constantly. They think it’s the most hilarious word in the English lexicon. Nate has even developed a highly sophisticated language whereby every other word is “poop”. It took a while to crack the code, but now we watch Frozen together and happily sing along to “Let It Poop.”

Danger:

If there’s a way to climb something, dangle from somewhere or perch precariously on something that’s not meant for climbing, they will find it. The calm, centred, nurturing Mama inside of me says “They’re just testing their boundaries. Let them explore.” The part of me that’s attached to my face screams “For the love of GOD get off that scaffolding before you break your neck!”

What I couldn’t have known, what no one prepared me for, was the utter love and devotion my boys have – for me. While I was busy falling in mad, deep, crazy love for my kids, I hadn’t noticed that they were doing the same thing. Of all the “boy stuff” I was unprepared for, that surprise was the most welcomed.

Boys and guns: How we survived without Kevlar

Posted on April 13, 2017 by Alexis Nicols Posted in The Struggle is Real .

My son wants a gun.

He wants a gun so he can “gun” people and “dead” them.

(The fact that he hasn’t connected the appropriate verbs to the nouns may or may not imply that he’s ready to have one.)

My son has been begging me for a ray gun at the local toystore, the kind that flashes seizure-inducing lights and emits blips and bleeps I can only assume were recorded in the fourth circle of Hell.

As the old adage goes, boys will be terrifying.

photo by louiscrusoe

So far, I have flatly refused to bring any sort of weaponry into our home. In not-so-peaceful protest, he’s now creating ad hoc guns out of whatever happens to be around: a paper towel roll, a piece of paper, a stick. He used to love reading books and playing with his toy trucks and trains. Now he loves guns, swords and maintaining a pitch that could drown out a demolition.

So what gives?

What’s with the obsession with weaponry, makeshift or otherwise? I don’t subscribe to the whole “boys will be boys” theory. Not all boys are drawn to guns. We gave him a doll when he was younger (also a gun now.)

Am I raising a sociopath? Is the drive to be aggressive in a boy’s DNA? I conducted a bit of research, and I found a wealth of information by “Boy Expert” Michael Gurian. Here’s what I found:

“Aggressive” is not necessarily “violent”: Gurian claims there’s no substantive link between aggressive boys and violent adults. It comes down to environment; so long as my energetic kids’ behaviour is channeled in constructive ways, I have every confidence that he’ll avoid jail time. He’s a human perpetual-motion machine, so we try to give him every opportunity to burn off his energy.
The role of imaginative play: Imaginative play helps children understand and process their world. Many (nearly every boy I’ve ever met) are hard-wired to seek aggressive play filled with good guys, bad guys and adventure. Nate is constantly narrating elaborate action sequences that are informed by his favourite shows and movies (he also thinks he’s a Storm Trooper), or just from his own imagination. Playing with makeshift guns is just that – play. He doesn’t have sophisticated concepts of “killing” and “death” just yet.
Testosterone: Gurian calls testosterone “humanity’s life insurance.” In my experience, my son has always played differently than his female cousins. According to Gurian, testosterone is responsible; it fuels the desire to be active, take risks, run around, jump, hit, yell – and pick up sticks and turn them into semi-automatic assault weapons.

So what do I do when my mini Rambo states “I’m going to gun you”? First off, any weapon-y looking devices that come into our house look like toys, not like real guns. They shoot foam batons, not bullets. I’ve also talked (and talked) to him extensively about the “game” of guns: don’t point it at people’s faces and no gun play with people who don’t want to participate. Apparently, I’m also doing the right thing by saying “I don’t like it when you talk about killing me.” As Gurian advises, “Be serene about this threat.”

That’s me, Captain Serenity.

NOTE: After this post was written, Nate’s father bought him the space gun (pictured on the right.) Keep an eye out for my next post about how to bury a body without leaving any evidence.

Michael Gurian is an America marriage and family counselor, corporate consultant and social philosopher. He has published over 28 books, including: The Wonder of Boys, The Minds of Boys and Boys and Girls Learn Differently! michaelgurian.com

Now what?

Posted on November 2, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

You spend all of that time learning how to be a good pregnant lady.

You learn how to do the whole crazy birth thing.

You learn how to feed them, burp them, change them and get them to sleep.

And then… They go and turn into full fledged human beings on you.

Now what?

There’s no more stressing over whether they’re hitting their milestones or what foods to introduce. They’re good.

There’s no more cute outfits. They know what they like.

There’s no more shoving them in a car seat and taking them where you want. It’s all a negotiation and hopes for good behaviour.

They didn’t prepare me for this stage in all of those motherhood books. I was so busy getting to be good at being pregnant and getting through the infant stage that I had no idea how confounding the big boy stage would be.

My sons are 6 and 8. It’s fun and exciting to see the people they are, the minds they’re starting to develop, the activities they’re starting to excel in.

But I can’t help but feeling that I’m along for the ride and barely holding on for dear life. Please tell me I’m not the only one! I have no clue about Pokémon or Beyblades or hockey. In fact, sitting around a cold rink early on Saturday mornings was the LAST thing I wanted to do, but since the boys like it, I do it.

Along for the ride.

While the start of motherhood comes with so many books and so many clearly defined dos and don’ts, by the time you get a few years in, it’s more of a surprise that unfolds around you.

And it’s fun. I’m glad I’m along for the ride.

I never wanted to stand around a cold hockey rink far too early on a Saturday morning. But seeing them get all geared up and shuffle along the ice is actually fun. Cold, but fun. Watching them learn to read, do math, learn how many eyes a bee has is exciting, kind of mind blowing, actually.

They come home from school and have a bunch of things to tell me that they’ve learned, that they’ve done with friends, that they’ve imagined and created. Now, I’ve learned not to ask what they did at school, because the certain answer to that question is “NOTHING!” But if I wait for them to get there, they start telling me, bit by bit, the minutiae of their days.

And it’s all just so incredible. An amazing part of the ride.

I love hearing about what they and their friends thought up. I love hearing about the jokes and the funny things and I feel my blood boil whenever anyone wrongs them.

This whole parenthood thing is crazy.

My mom made it look so easy. I thought parents knew everything, I thought they had all of the answers. I really thought when I became a mother that it would be that way.

I’m winging it.

Sometimes the moms on Facebook and the moms at the school and the moms in my circle make me wonder if everyone got the manual but me. I’m pretty sure they’re just along for the ride too…

But then I think, they seem happy, they’re becoming decent little human beings, they’re thriving – and that means I must be doing something right.

Right?

Send them back to school rocking a cute new ‘do!

Posted on September 1, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in Mommy Approved .

It’s that time of year again…
All the school supplies and back to school shopping for new clothes have been bought but what about a fresh haircut?

Don’t be afraid to cut and style your kids’ hair. There are lots of low maintenance looks, fun ‘dos and ways for them to express their personal style (or mama’s fashion sense) with a great cut.

Here are some great styles I guarantee will make them the coolest kids on the playground!

: The Boys

: The Girls

Erica H. Wearing has been a stylist for over 16 years and she absolutely loves what she does . “It’s a great feeling to help people feel and look their best when they leave my chair. I wouldn’t trade this for any other job in the world!”
Check out Erica at Ka!Boom Hair Salon 1129 West Pender Street, Vancouver B.C .
(604)681-6003

hairbyericaw

Don’t you love the unsolicited advice?

Posted on June 6, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

photo: Alan Levine

For me, the most annoying part of parenthood has nothing to do with how to raise my children and everything to do with everyone else’s opinion of how to raise my children.

I’d be giving my baby a bottle, and perfect strangers would tell me “You should give breastfeeding a chance.”

I struggled with extremely low milk production caused by a medical issue – people would tell me not to put so much effort into pumping – that formula would be fine.

One person said “They should sleep on the tummy” while the next article insisted back-sleeping for infants.

Time-outs are good. Time-outs are damaging their confidence.

Put them to bed early. Put them to bed late. Add Omega 3, stop adding it…

AAAAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

It’s no wonder that we have these poor moms in every mommy group on Facebook (and there are hundreds of these groups) crowdsourcing Every. Single. Thing. Which formula is the purest? Should I put my toddler in Nike or New Balance runners? My baby sneezed, should I go to the emergency?

All of this unsolicited parenting advice is turning all but the most confident people into jittery parents who constantly second guess themselves and don’t have any faith in their own parenting instincts any more.

photo: Michael Coghlan

I was just out with my friend Carol – a mom of three boys and a well-loved mommy blogger, friend, and founder of Plenty, and we were commiserating. It’s not just “boy mom” stuff, because I know that there are some little girls that are a serious handful. It’s not just a “mom-of-2” thing or a “mom-of-3” thing – because there are parents of singletons that have way more than enough to handle with just one, but let’s face it. Two or three rambunctious little boys only two years apart is a much different parenting experience than a quiet, well-behaved singleton.

We shared a laugh at some of the unsolicited advice we’d recently received.

“Put them on a schedule” she chided. “Like ‘OOOHHHHH! I never thought of that!’ Don’t they think that if it worked for my family I’d have done that?” I countered with “Well I just expect my child to listen to me. They know what I will tolerate and what’s not allowed.”

Yes, seriously, we laughed and laughed.

And while whatever works for your family is fine, we, as parents, are all just trying to survive our offspring.

photo: Hey Paul Studios

Good for you if you have a child that will come, go, listen and obey “because you say so” but that doesn’t fly with my 6 year old son that I’ve always (lovingly) called “The Triplets” because I feel like he’s the effort and has the energy of at least three. Every family is so different. Sure, there are truisms – like “if you don’t want cavities your kid should brush and floss after every meal” but schedules, sleep routines, discipline, feeding issues and other dynamics are very individual.

We’re all special snowflakes.

Carol and I laughed as we compared notes on the things we’d been told by parents, friends – even childless friends – and more.

If you still don’t understand why I don’t like unsolicited advice, think of it this way: Don’t you hate when millionaires say “It’s easy to make it – if I can do it so can you.” If it were so *effing* easy we’d all be millionaires. I also recall this Beck quote about making music being the most fun job in the world and he didn’t understand why everyone didn’t become a rockstar.

Umm…

It’s all in perspective. Sometimes people that have control of a situation seem to feel the need to tell the less-in-control people how easy it is. There’s no empathy. It really just comes across as people not having a clue.

It’s not easy.

It’s not easy to become a millionaire and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to become a rockstar and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to manage children and, well, you know…

I know that friends, family members and colleagues only want to help. Perfect strangers trying to put their two cents in honestly baffle me.

I do have one piece of advice I will give unsolicited when someone I know gets pregnant: You know what you’re doing, don’t take any unsolicited advice.

So take my advice here (😊) the only advice you need is the advice you ask for.

Suburban Mommy Michelle adds: The minute I threw away those parenting books and stopped listening to everybody’s two cents, I became a happier person and a better parent. Go with your gut!

Dressing boys can be fun – with celeb stylist Alissia Marciano

Posted on May 11, 2016 by Urban Suburban Mommy Posted in Mommy Approved, The Best You .

Who says boys are no fun to dress?!

Les Gamins G&R bow tie

Being a woman and a mom, I’ve always incorporated boyish elements into my code of dress. So when I became a mother to two boys, it was a thrill for me to be able to create cool boy looks and drape them on my lovable, little monkeys.

It can be challenging to find stylish duds for little men. I do find that there is a lack of good options when i walk into independent kids clothing boutiques.

For high street stores like Zara Kids, they do have quite a good array of options when it comes to basics – ie: your skinny black jean, lowered crotch jeans and nice thin cotton t-shirts. But when it comes to unique pieces to layer, it can seem like you have to search high and low before finding that perfect piece. Here are a few designers and pointers that will make your fashion hunt a lot easier.

Remember not to shy away from fun patterns when dressing boys. Mix and match and have a blast – after all you’re only a kid once. (I think…)
Kids can wear boy ties too! A nice way to dress up a boys look for a special occasion or dinner out is by choosing a bow tie with a playful pattern. I really like skulls on little boys. Check out the bow ties below. My favorite label is Les Gamins G&R. They are available online…get yours while they last!
Just like for women shoes are also a hot accessories for boys. They add personality to any little ensemble. Vans are definitely my go-to, but check out AKID as well for some great styles.
HAVE FUN – these petit munchkins won’t always let you style them so take advantage while you can!