Urban Suburban Mommy

Monthly Archives: June 2016

The mom bod

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Saggy breasts. Tummy pooch. Thunder thighs. Tiger stripes.

I think – I know – there was a time in my life that these things would have really bothered me. In fact, I remember times – pre-motherhood – that I thought my beautiful body was less than perfect. My 27 year old self liked short skirts and high heels and used all of that cleavage to her advantage.

Now, I embrace my mom bod. I’m not my pre-preg weight, and that’s okay. I’m working towards being healthy – that’s my goal. Those stretch marks and lines that grew with each baby in my belly? I’m good. This bod has served me well and I’m keeping it – stripes or no stripes – although I just might skip this summer’s short-shorts craze.

The saggy boobs? When you’re bigger than a DD, it’s just inevitable, right?

(I remember once someone telling me about the pencil test, now I understand.)

I was supposed to get a breast reduction before I had kids because of back issues. The doctor convinced me that I’d want to wait until after having kids because it might interfere with breastfeeding. Joke’s on me – I wasn’t a really good lactater, these boobies are just for show! I could have eased the strain on my back 10 years ago!

I have to admit, a boob job just might be in my future. Slightly smaller, slightly (ha ha, “slightly”) perkier. While I don’t feel any shame or embarrassment over my mom bod, I don’t see why there’s any shame in changing things either. Why is there a stigma about tummy tucks and lipo and botox, for that matter? Why shouldn’t we ditch the veins and plump things up if we want? Why shouldn’t we accept who we are, embrace ourselves as mothers and feel free to do what we want and look the way we want?

I say “Raise ’em and tuck ’em, if you got ’em.”

(No, I don’t actually say it, but I’m going to start.)

I’ve talked to too many moms that aren’t happy with their bodies. Sometimes it’s that breasts got smaller, asses got flatter or things just aren’t where they should be. Frankly, I’ve got way too much to do in my day to waste time on my waistline woes. Accept it or change it – those should be the only two options. Dwelling – that’s not a real option, that’s just a way to make yourself more self-conscious.

You know what self-consciousness leads to? It leads to all of those family photos without mom – or with mom grudgingly appearing, hiding in the background because she isn’t comfortable with herself. It leads to mom not wanting to spend the day by the pool or at the beach. Or sitting covered up in a 10,000° heatwave instead of running around and playing.

Frolicking.

Comfort. Confidence.

Now reality may have to set in for some. I don’t have the energy to go back to being a size 6, but having kids is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my whole life, and my mom bod is proof of that, with every line, curve and added shoe size that came with each baby.

(Actually, I think I’m most upset about the change in shoe size. Carrying those boys somehow pushed my feet up to an 11. This does not make for a happy shoe shopping experience, never mind my beautiful collection that no longer fit. I can only hope they went to a dancing queen and socialite that put them all to good use. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about the feet, so I had to switch from shoes to purses.)

Find beauty in your mom bod. You earned it for the most wonderful reasons of all.

We all go through it and there’s a wonderful blog that explores everything about the post-pregnancy body. Visit The Shape of a Mother to see how beautifully and perfectly imperfect the mom bod truly is.

Sweet caramel apple crumble

Posted on by Posted in Delicious Dishes .

I love this recipe. I learned it as a very young child and have grown up making it. It’s a staple part of our Thanksgiving dinner, but it’s really one of those desserts  you can enjoy any time of year. I find it so quick and easy to throw together, and there’s no need for precision on this. You need more sugar if you like it sweet – less sugar if you don’t. Either way, it’s still pretty sweet as you need the sugar to caramelize.

Word of warning – you’re going to get the recipe the way my mom taught it to me – with pinches and handfuls instead of cups and teaspoons, though I’ll try to give some approximation. Do not be scared off of making this. It’s an easy recipe with only a few ingredients and it really can’t be ruined regardless of the varying amounts. Seriously. Just fine tune it to make it your own.

What you need:

– 3 to 4 handfuls of quick oats
– 1 cup butter
– 6 to 7 nice apples – I like a mix of gala, empire, mac, spy – peeled, cored and sliced thin
– 4 to 5 pinches cinnamon
– dash of vanilla
– 3 handfuls brown sugar
– 2 handfuls white sugar
– 3 pinches salt
– flour as needed

What you do:

Preheat oven to 325°. In a big bowl mix half of the sugar, 3 to 4 pinches of cinnamon, 2 pinches salt, apples, vanilla and 3 to 4 pinches of flour. Toss it all until the apples are well coated. If your apples are very juicy and you find there’s a lot of liquid, add a few more pinches of flour until the mix is a bit dryer – but not to the point where all the liquid has become a paste.

Put the mixture into a 9 by 13 baking dish or a deep, large pie dish.

In a fresh bowl: Add the butter, a pinch of salt, a pinch or two of cinnamon, three handfuls of oats and the remaining sugar. Get in there and start pinching and twisting the butter into the other ingredients. This delicious buttery sugary mixture will start to clump up. Keep going until all the butter is broken in. The friction that you create with the pinching helps the butter melt into the oats and gets the whole mix combined. If the mixture seems too buttery you can add more oats. More buttery or more oats – you can’t really go wrong.

Cover the apple mixture with the oat mixture and put it into the oven. It takes 45 minutes to an hour, your nose will tell you it’s done. But you can leave it longer. The longer it sits in the oven the more the butter and sugar will caramelize. That caramelization is sooooooo delish.

Let cool for 10 minutes and serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

 

Don’t you love the unsolicited advice?

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

For me, the most annoying part of parenthood has nothing to do with how to raise my children and everything to do with everyone else’s opinion of how to raise my children.

I’d be giving my baby a bottle, and perfect strangers would tell me “You should give breastfeeding a chance.”

I struggled with extremely low milk production caused by a medical issue – people would tell me not to put so much effort into pumping – that formula would be fine.

One person said “They should sleep on the tummy” while the next article insisted back-sleeping for infants.

Time-outs are good. Time-outs are damaging their confidence.

Put them to bed early. Put them to bed late. Add Omega 3, stop adding it…

AAAAAHHHHHRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

It’s no wonder that we have these poor moms in every mommy group on Facebook (and there are hundreds of these groups) crowdsourcing Every. Single. Thing. Which formula is the purest? Should I put my toddler in Nike or New Balance runners? My baby sneezed, should I go to the emergency?

All of this unsolicited parenting advice is turning all but the most confident people into jittery parents who constantly second guess themselves and don’t have any faith in their own parenting instincts any more.

I was just out with my friend Carol – a mom of three boys and a well-loved mommy blogger, friend, and founder of Plenty, and we were commiserating. It’s not just “boy mom” stuff, because I know that there are some little girls that are a serious handful. It’s not just a “mom-of-2” thing or a “mom-of-3” thing – because there are parents of singletons that have way more than enough to handle with just one, but let’s face it. Two or three rambunctious little boys only two years apart is a much different parenting experience than a quiet, well-behaved singleton.

We shared a laugh at some of the unsolicited advice we’d recently received.

“Put them on a schedule” she chided. “Like ‘OOOHHHHH! I never thought of that!’ Don’t they think that if it worked for my family I’d have done that?” I countered with “Well I just expect my child to listen to me. They know what I will tolerate and what’s not allowed.”

Yes, seriously, we laughed and laughed.

And while whatever works for your family is fine, we, as parents, are all just trying to survive our offspring.

Good for you if you have a child that will come, go, listen and obey “because you say so” but that doesn’t fly with my 6 year old son that I’ve always (lovingly) called “The Triplets” because I feel like he’s the effort and has the energy of at least three. Every family is so different. Sure, there are truisms – like “if you don’t want cavities your kid should brush and floss after every meal” but schedules, sleep routines, discipline, feeding issues and other dynamics are very individual.

We’re all special snowflakes.

Carol and I laughed as we compared notes on the things we’d been told by parents, friends – even childless friends – and more.

If you still don’t understand why I don’t like unsolicited advice, think of it this way: Don’t you hate when millionaires say “It’s easy to make it – if I can do it so can you.” If it were so *effing* easy we’d all be millionaires. I also recall this Beck quote about making music being the most fun job in the world and he didn’t understand why everyone didn’t become a rockstar.

Umm…

It’s all in perspective. Sometimes people that have control of a situation seem to feel the need to tell the less-in-control people how easy it is. There’s no empathy. It really just comes across as people not having a clue.

It’s not easy.

It’s not easy to become a millionaire and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to become a rockstar and not everyone can do it. It’s not easy to manage children and, well, you know…

I know that friends, family members and colleagues only want to help. Perfect strangers trying to put their two cents in honestly baffle me.

I do have one piece of advice I will give unsolicited when someone I know gets pregnant: You know what you’re doing, don’t take any unsolicited advice.

So take my advice here (😊) the only advice you need is the advice you ask for.

Suburban Mommy Michelle adds: The minute I threw away those parenting books and stopped listening to everybody’s two cents, I became a happier person and a better parent. Go with your gut!

Parenting as a team. Who’s side are you on anyway?

Posted on by Posted in Urban Suburban Mommy .

It’s tough at the best of times to parent. It’s even tougher when there’s more than one of you. 

Remember before you had kids? You had it all planned out in your head, and you knew exactly what kind of parent you were going to be, and how you were going to do that.

I remember. 

And then, there were two. Two of you, and that meant you weren’t alone in your parenting decisions, styles, or ideas. As a parent, you instantly become one half of the team. Difficult for some, especially if you’re a take-charge kind of person, but if you’re going to parent successfully, it has to be done as a partnership.

Like marriage, parenting is teamwork, and like any team, you need to get to know your opponent so they become not only your ally, but your confidant, support system, and partner. It may be difficult to take a step back as commander and settle into the role of member, but remember who you’re doing it for, and the motives behind it. As a parent, your role is to empower, lead by example, and show a united front, so that your kids grow into confident, self-assured team-players themselves. So what’s important here, and how do you do that?

1. You’re a Partnership. Be A Partnership. 

Before any partnership can be successful, you have to understand them. Learn about your partner’s parenting styles. Everyone has different ideas and styles, and at the end of the day, each of you will have something constructive, important and valuable to contribute. Make sure that your styles compliment each other. If some don’t, that’s okay, but talk about when a parenting style is ok to institute, and when not. If you’re not sure, discuss it. When it comes to consequencing, (not punishing, there’s ever a lesson in that), ensure you’re both on the same page for that particular incident or issue. Let your partner know how you’ve handled things, what was said, and what, if any, were the consequences. The last thing you want is to confuse your child. There should be no “well Mommy said”, or “Daddy said”… Be consistent. Don’t belittle your kids either, while you’re having your discussion with them. Always be thinking how you can fill their empowerment cups.

2. Create a Plan-Of-Action. 

Before any action plan can work, there must be open communication.You’ve got to share the reigns now. That was a hard one for me. Being able to have a conversation about your parenting styles is tantamount. Discuss the 5-W’s of how you’re going to parent; What, Where, When, Why, Who, and How. Don’t forget to tag-team the other person if you’re not able to keep your cool or if things begin to escalate in your little one. You can also disengage, take a few minutes for your own time-out,  regroup, collect your wits, and come back. You’ll get more leverage out of of parenting this way, and you’ll also be teaching your child about emotional control and ownership of one’s emotions.

photo: Prachatai

photo: Prachatai

3. Agree to Disagree. 

For some, this means taking that back seat and listening to what your partner has to say. Hear what they have to say, without being reactive. Nothing good ever came from impulse. Be considerate. Listen. Think, Consider. Acknowledge and validate.

You may not think at that moment, their ideas or how-to’s are amenable to you, so take it in, let it brew in your mind so you can respond in calm, and revisit. Let your partner know you respect their ideas, otherwise, you’ve lost even before things have begun. It’s great to be able to have a discussion about certain ideas, because often better ideas come to the surface. And, it’s another great bonding opportunity for you and your partner.

4. It’s all about the Compromise. 

If you’ve agreed to disagree, in fact what you’ve inadvertently but constructively done, is create an open space for further discussion to compromise. Like marriage, it’s not about making concessions, succeeding everything, relenting, or just giving up. It’s about the journey. The compromise. Not only is this another great bonding opportunity for you and your partner, but you can actually work a lot out and learn about each other when you’ve learnt how to compromise, and have had an opportunity to see how it feels to be successful in that.  It’s what I call the “experience of the experience.” If you haven’t felt how good something feels, you won’t necessarily remember it when you need to.

Don’t forget to let all your caregivers know how you parent, so there’s even more consistency for you and your child(ren).
Happy Parenting!

About Lauren Millman

lauren millman.jpgIn practice for over 12 years, Lauren Millman is a highly sought-after Toronto Marriage & Relationship Coach and Counsellor, Mental Health Practitioner and Parenting Specialist, and is a member of the Ontario Association for Family Mediation. Lauren is a regular guest contributor on TV’s Rogers Daytime! York Region, and The Mediation Station. She has also been a guest on SiriusXM Radio Canada. Lauren is an international best- selling author, writes regularly for several online publications including Brazenwoman, PinkandBlue North America, and SiriusXM Canada, and was recently featured in the Toronto Star. Lauren continuously gives back to the community.  In 2014, Lauren was the Recipient of the International Women In Leadership Award.

Doing it all: The housewife/working mom edition

Posted on by Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Recently, I asked for help.

That is to say, I hired help.

Once every two weeks, she comes to clean my home from top to bottom. This morning, she eagerly volunteered to clean out my fridge. I can’t stress this enough: someone wants to clean out my fridge, the “cave of edibles from parts unknown.” This marks the second item on a list of things I never thought would happen. At the top of the list was asking for help.

domestic goddess

I officially burned out two months into life post-maternity leave. I felt the signs: heart palpitations, sweats, anxiety, fatigue. I felt it every time I came home from my full time job and looked at the catastrophe that was my living room, every time I couldn’t find something, every time I asked “what did I just step in?” I couldn’t stay on top of dishes, laundry, cooking, groceries, vacuuming. I couldn’t enjoy time with my kids because I was busy scurrying around trying to straighten up – a task that was never complete. I felt like I was trying to put out a forest fire with a garden hose attached to a fuel line.

And yet I went a long time before I actually hired someone to help me stay on top of it. I don’t ask for help very well or often (honestly I’d rather give myself a physical using kitchen utensils). I used to judge women who had “hired help”.

“Must be nice,” I’d think, feeling angry and resentful that these women had time to spend with their kids while I was off playing “find the smell.”

I’m not perfect, I still judge people. I’m working on that. It’s on my To Do list, right under deleting Pinterest from my apps.

Let’s get real – most of us have to work. We’ve come to enjoy the finer things in life, like food, shelter and catered birthday parties at Jungle Land. The cost of living in this city is insane – it’s no wonder that double incomes are not always a choice. Certainly not for us. I’m the primary breadwinner AND the default parent. I’ve been trying to manage everything, and ultimately, not managing at all. I don’t “have it all”, I just “do it all.”

And who was I martyring myself for? Was there a prize for shouldering the biggest burden? I was back at work full time and at my full salary. My kids wanted my full attention – I could give it to them. I needed time to myself – I could make it happen. I started putting money aside and found a cleaning lady that I trusted (I’m working on my trust issues. It’s on that list, right under waxing my unmentionables.) I started delegating. I even found a babysitter to come once in a while. You know, so my husband and I can go out, eat hot food and talk about…the kids. We’re working on that.

It’s on the list…