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Category Archives: The Struggle is Real

Calling it quits: When it’s time to stop having kids

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Alexis Nicols Posted in The Struggle is Real .
i'm done

 
i'm done

photo: Chastity Brighton

I had just delivered my second son. He was wrapped in a blanket, with a tiny beanie on his matted, goopy head. I had literally just pulled this being from my body (you read correctly) when a nurse asked:

“Are you going to have another?”

In my post-delivery stupor, it took me a few moments to realize that she wasn’t asking me if I had any more in there. It wasn’t the last time people would ask me. I must have fielded this question 50 times during my maternity leave. Do I want more? Yes, absolutely. Are we going to try again? Not likely.

I should back it up a bit. Due to our age and a few medical hiccups, my partner and I had our children via IVF. As of today, we still have two fertilized embryos sitting in a storage facility, waiting to be thawed. Only we’re not going to be the ones thawing them.

All things being equal, we certainly want to add a third or even a fourth child to our family. We have the produce and we have the plumbing, right? I’ve wanted children for years and spent three of them steeped in medical intervention and heartbreaking failure in order to bring my sons into the world. We were very lucky to have our first, we were positively blessed to have a second. People tell us to be thankful for what we have, as though wanting more children would throw nature out of balance. It’s superstitious and obtuse to assume that because we have more love to give, more chambers of our hearts to fill, that we are somehow greedy and not thankful for the love we already have.

photo: Intellegent_persona

photo: Intellegent_persona

I want more kids. I really do. But here’s the reality: kids are expensive. It is virtually impossible to live in this city without a five-year plan that involves a bank heist or a lottery win. We have a house that fits everyone. Certainly it could contain one more, but if the cost of living goes up one more percent, I’d have to turn us into a performing family. My partner has a lot of talents, but Captain Von Trapp he is not.

The other reality is age. My husband and I are both in our 40’s. Kids are a young person’s game. I can’t see myself in 5 years dealing with cluster feedings, sleepless nights and dirty diapers. I’m so tired, people. So, so tired.

Several months ago, I received a bill from the facility that keeps our embryos to pay the annual storage fee. My partner, in one of his less sensitive moments, asked why we didn’t just donate them. After my third day of inconsolable tears, I think he realized that the situation was more nuanced. Donating baby clothes, knowing you will never again use the play mat or the tiny bucket seat that you brought your baby home in – these are small, sad moments filled with nostalgia. Donating frozen embryos is a line in the sand. It’s definitive and closes that door forever. There will be no more siblings, no more first moments, no more tiny pink and blue beanies.

In the meantime, I have another year to think about what to do with those embryos. Circumstances could change, sleep habits could improve, my boys could ask for a sister. You just never know. While I know in my brain that we are done having children, the message is taking a long, long time to get to my heart.

 

alexis-head-shotAlexis Nicols is a marketing specialist, actor and freelance writer. She lives in urban Toronto with her husband and two sons, but is definitely suburban at heart. She regularly dodges the slings and arrows of parenting boys, considers herself a connoisseur of stretchy pants and hopes that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train.

For more musings from a mom who wonders when everything below the neck went National Geographic, visit her blog: stopstopcomehere.ca

Tags: children in your 40's, cost of living, donating frozen embroyos, featuredxx, frozen embryos, having another child, IVF, maternity leave, medical intervention, parenting, sleepless nights .

Social media and me – the lost years…

Posted on March 4, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

We grew up before social media was a thing – sometimes I think this is a good thing and sometimes I think I missed out.

I was 35 when I started my Twitter account and 36 when I joined Facebook. I resisted Facebook for a while, but decided to join when I went on mat leave so that I could share my pictures of my new baby with friends, family and colleagues. I quickly realized that it was a great way to keep up – and I was hooked.

kids2

At the same time my sister, who is 11 years younger than me, was using social media for everything from making plans to go out to networking to find her next job. She never picked up a phone and I actually knew that it was easier to get a hold of her on Facebook than it was to leave her a voicemail. She grew up online.

I was a bit of a wild child when I was younger, and though we have a few photos, there’s not much evidence! Most people weren’t carrying cameras around with them on nights out – we didn’t yet all have camera phones – so there are only pictures of special occasions or weekends away. They’re printed away in albums and rarely circulate unless someone gets inspired on a #ThrowbackThursday. And I’m glad we didn’t all have camera phones so that embarrassing pictures could not be turned into memes and go viral. I think that would be one of my biggest fears if I grew up in the golden age of social media!

blue boy - better

But I am glad I joined when I did. Now that my boys are 5 and 7, I show them the albums and share the videos I posted. It’s better than any family album, it’s completely the highlights of their early years. They love seeing the baby pictures, the funny things they did, the cute outfits I’ve all but forgotten, the pets who are now past, previous homes. And more than just an album, there’s commentary. With dates and timestamps, there’s not only an explanation of the moment, there’s reaction from everyone I know, and they love hearing the responses.

So while I’m glad I missed growing up on social media, it’s among my most favourite inventions of my adult life!

kids1

Suburban Mommy Michelle adds:

I am in total agreement. I am still learning how to communicate in abbreviations and few words for social media. LMFAO, LO, OOTD, QOTD, MIL, FIL, FML (just learned that one – that’s a goody) I am still learning.  There are times where I was just too embarassed to ask and Webster’s couldn’t define (I should have checked the Urban dictionary).  Have we done away with speaking English properly?  (Sorry my mom is an English professor).  And hashtag…who invented that word and what does it mean?  Nope wasn’t born into the hashtagging generation.  But, it has certainly been an experience expressing how I feel with a number sign prior to every word that I write.

I miss writing letters, picking up the phone, having proper catch ups face-to-face – I wonder if anyone under 30 even knows what I pen pal is?

So a part of me like Elisa, is glad that social media didn’t exist while I grew up – I had some really bad outfits and really bad hair.  The debauchery in my 20’s was not caught on Instagram thank heavens! A few gems can be found in an album hidden away in a box buried in my basement.  Don’t get any bright ideas!

And on the other hand, I too relish the times when Facebook sends me a “memory” of my children to remind me how blessed I am.  So much easier than sifting through an envelope of photos or making a print from a negative.

Tags: camera phone, children in your 40's, embarrassment, facebook, Instagram, meme, social media, twitter, Urban dictionary .

Dragging my kid up a hill makes me feel old

Posted on February 22, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .
sullivan snowboarding feature

I’ll admit it. Sometimes I think I did myself and my kids a disservice by having them later in life. I don’t have these thoughts often, most of the time I’m perfectly happy with the decision, but then something will come along and BAM! Like life slapped me in the face with a big fat “I don’t think so!”

sullivan falling snowboard

I used to ski – and occasionally snowboard – but the last time I was on the slopes was the year before I got pregnant. I find myself dying to get back to it. The boys are 5 and 7 – definitely old enough to learn. They’ve started at lessons.

I take them on weekends to a local ski and snowboard park. Hills aren’t that big, perfect for learning. I thought when they meant I had to be there with my 5 year old that it was like other programs – I had to be on site in case they needed me. I was imagining a free hour – I could get a lift ticket and go skiing, or maybe just bring a newspaper and sit in the chalet… But the fantasy was not to be.

Week one I show up in my cute booties, a short wool coat and leather gloves. I drop them off and the instructor hands me a leash and tells me to strap it on him and pull him over to the learning area.

sullivan on a leash snowboardingI find myself with my kid, on the hill in my cute boots and wool coat. He’s strapped into his snowboard looking all thrasher cool and I’ve got a leash secured around his ankle. My job is to drag him around on his board for an hour to get him used to riding. The instructor is basically going to instruct the parents on what to get our kids to do. By week 2 we are dragging the kids up the hill and then running down after them or trying to control them as they learn how to stop, start, bear crawl, crab walk and basically ride.

Frankly, I could have used YouTube videos if I wanted to be on the hill for an hour dragging my kid around, we have some great free hills closer to home. But here’s the thing. I’m 44, no longer running 10K a day, no longer as active and in shape as I used to be.

I have a mom bod. I’m not ashamed to admit I carry a few extra pounds, and I’m comfortable in my mom jeans. However, I’m too old to be dragging a 72 pound child straight up a hill and then running down after him 7, 8 or 9 times in an hour.

I’m dying. The other 4 parents in my group are about 10 years younger than me. Although they’re not enjoying the whole thing any more than I am, I swear the instructor keeps a closer eye on me to make sure I don’t drop dead of a heart attack on his watch. While I might look good on skis, and my kids are loving snowboarding lessons, I can honestly not count the number of times I’ve muttered under my breath, “I’m too old for this gig…” while dragging him up the hill.

I did have one idea and the other parents agreed it might work – if we do another session of instruction I’m going to hand out flyers to the neighbourhood 20-somethings advertising “Snowboard Body Boot Camp” and charge them $25/hour for the workout. It’s honestly not a bad workout – just not for me!

(Though if my 20-something self had been parenting like this, she likely would have been hung over and dragging the little thrasher up the hill, writing a very similar rant about being to young and hip for this gig!)

sullivan chilling after class

Tags: boarding, featuredxx, fitness, health, lessons, mommyhood, parenting, riding, ski, slope, snowboarding .

Worry, worry, worry

Posted on February 19, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Did you know at 36 weeks that an ultrasound can tell a lot about your baby?

I didn’t!

Big belly kidney issuesOf course, with your first baby everything seems to be a “big deal,” so when the doctor told me that they would be monitoring our baby’s kidney function shortly after he was born, it wasn’t what I’d expected to hear.

While I wasn’t overly concerned, when you’re told at your 36 week ultrasound that your baby may have a significant issue and that you’re waiting to see if everything will be okay, it adds a layer of stress. With him still on the inside and not being able to control the issue, it was a worry, an intangible concern…

When Tyson was around 4 months old we made the trek down to Orillia’s hospital for “the test.” After a long drive on a snowy day, we arrived at Soldier’s Memorial.

We were off to a rocky start with a mean lady working where we had to check in. After going through the basics, they advised me that my son would need a catheter inserted before I headed upstairs for the next portion of the test.

Let me tell you, just when you think you’ve heard a blood-curdling cry before, think again…. I was asked not to be in the room when they inserted it, and it was clear why within seconds. It took 2 nurses to hold him down while the third nurse inserted it. I held back tears while his screams echoed through the hallway, but another nice mother let me know that his screams were normal.

What seemed like an eternity later, my son was brought out to me by a nurse, and they told me to bring him back downstairs for the test (on his kidneys). I had no idea what to expect, but I brought him down.

Thankfully, the technician let me know what to look for (we wanted to see Tyson pee) in the renal ultrasound picture (and have things operate the way that they are suppose to). The technician ran water (which apparently gets babies to pee) and within seconds the technician let me know that Tyson’s kidney functions were perfect!

kidney issues - familyJust like that things were good with our son’s kidneys. I’ve had a few friends that have had to do this test with their young son or daughter and they all say that the catheter was torture.

To any parents out there, keep that in mind. It’s a tough experience, but I bet your little one will not remember it.

Krista HolmsKrista Holmes, KH Mgmt, became a mother in the summer of 2014. She works behind-the-scenes in the Canadian music industry, designs several social media campaigns and manages special events. Her love for motherhood & music can be found on her blog, mommylovesmusic.wordpress.com.

twitter@KHmgmt

Tags: baby, catheter, health, issues, kidneys, monitor, pregnancy, ultrasound, worry .

The bento bitch

Posted on February 17, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

You guys, I feel like I should share my shame – sometimes I send my kids to school with lunches consisting of an apple, a hunk of cheese, an uncut bagel and a packet of Scooby gummies – all in a plastic grocery bag.

And I still have the nerve to show my face at school.

Continue reading →

Tags: bag, bento, creative, food, lunch, pack, pinterest, snack .

The flat spot and the baby helmet

Posted on February 1, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .
FEATUREtyson helmet smiling

Krista Holmes shares her personal story about her family’s experience with her son having to wear a corrective helmet.

tyson helmet smilingTyson started treatment for torticollis in late 2014. After watching Tyson have a side preference for his head, I thought that it was worth looking further into.  And who knew, local treatment centre One Kids Place allowed self referrals!

Within a few weeks side preference decreased (thanks to Lisa for all of the great exercises and tips that Tyson and I had to complete on a daily basis).

At one meeting Lisa mentioned Tyson’s flat spot. She felt Tyson would be a great candidate for a helmet.

Of course, right away I was shocked! I didn’t want to believe that it was that bad. Or that my son would have to wear a helmet (thoughts quickly entered into my head of a child that I witnessed wearing one since he would bang his head into the wall). Lisa let us know a little bit more about the helmet experience, and sent the referral to our family doctor. Tyson was diagnosed with plagiocephaly – which in non medical terms means a flat spot on the head.

The first appointment consisted of a scan of Tyson’s head which would allow us to determine if we wanted to proceed with a corrective helmet for our son. The helmet would cost $2300!

$2300? I made sure that that final zero was suppose to be there. And yes, yes it was.

After a quick discussion, we agreed that $2300 was totally worth it if our son needed the helmet.

Following the scan we were informed that, although Tyson’s plagiocephaly wasn’t extreme, he was a great candidate for helmeting.

Two weeks later, in the middle of January, Ian, Tyson and I returned for the fitting. Being in Sick Kids Hospital is a surreal enough of an experience, but I always told myself, your son is here for a helmet that is simply for cosmetic purposes. There is  nothing wrong with his head. Brain. Health. It is simply a helmet to help shape his head.

tyson helmet initial fitting

Here is a picture of Tyson and me at the initial fitting.

Tyson was a great with the initial wearing of the helmet. They told us that we should try to make it to the parking lot before taking the helmet off. We went and visited a friend and her child that were living at Sick Kids, and got to the parking lot about 90 minutes later, and Tyson was still rocking the helmet!

tyson helmet toy in mouthOf course the helmet had its moments. And so did I as a mother….it sure took a toll on all of us. From 3 different infections, to the trips to and from Sick Kids, to just dealing with the daily maintenance and cleaning of the helmet, the helmet experience was a wild few months.

By July, we were almost “done” with Tyson wearing the helmet as it was getting tough – especially with the warmer weather. It was tough to see Tyson dripping sweat down his head within only 15 minutes of putting the helmet on. We almost didn’t go to our July appointment as we skipped our June appointment since Tyson hadn’t been wearing the helmet as much as he should’ve been (They wanted Tyson to wear the helmet as many as 20 hours a day! Yes – sleep with it on!). But, we decided to go.

AND, all of our hard work paid off! Tyson’s head was/is now perfectly shaped!!!!!!

tyson helmet imaging

Helmet comparison

So, to anyone debating over getting a helmet for your child, please know that although the experience is tough on everyone, the results are 100% worth it. Please do not hesitate to ask me anything about the experience as I only wish that I could’ve had someone to ask questions to (not that the staff at Sick Kids weren’t phenomenal, but from one parent to another, it is nice to have someone to ask, especially when you feel like quitting). When we left Sick Kids for the last time, believe me, we were all smiling!

After learning about helmeting from Krista’s experience, Urban Suburban Mommy had a few questions, which Krista was kind enough to answer:

USM: Is the flat spot potentially dangerous medically, or is correcting it more cosmetic?

Krista: The flat spot was totally cosmetic.

USM: Will it correct on its own if left without helmeting?

Krista: It would not correct on its own, so that’s why we knew that we “had to” helmet him.  We didn’t want him coming to us when he was 16 and saying that he was getting made fun of when we could’ve done something about it.

USM: Do they like to correct it by a certain age?

Krista: We started the helmeting at the youngest age possible – 6 months. The later it is “found”, the longer they have to wear the helmet.  Tyson’s head was obviously still growing (and we got new scans every visit) so it was a great time to shape it.

This article first appeared on MommyLovesMusic.Wordpress.com

Krista HolmsKrista Holmes, KH Mgmt, became a mother in the summer of 2014. She works behind-the-scenes in the Canadian music industry, designs several social media campaigns and manages special events. Her love for motherhood & music can be found on her blog, mommylovesmusic.wordpress.com.

twitter@KHmgmt

Tags: corrective helmet, helmet, helmet wearing, One Kids Place, plagiocephaly, scan, Sick Kids, torticollis .

How I became a pumping machine

Posted on January 16, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Krista Holmes shares her personal story about breastfeeding while trying to be a working mama.

Even before my son was born, I knew that I wanted to be able to pump – mostly, for the freedom and possibilities that it provided. Little did I know that 4.5 months later I would re-enter the workforce (more on that some other time) and become a pumping machine.

About 3 weeks before Tyson was born, my husband and I headed down to Babies’R’Us to purchase the pimped out version of a breast pump. Unlike many mothers, I hadn’t read too much on being a first time mother for fear of overwhelming an already anxious me. But pumping was something that I wanted to do. So I did the research and settled on my brand: a Medela Freestyle Breastpump. Expensive, but worth every penny.

Medela Freestyle Breastpump in action ($399 at Babies'R'Us)

Medela Freestyle Breastpump in action ($399 at Babies’R’Us)

Within 3 weeks of being born, we had a 50th birthday party to attend. I was SO excited to be going – just a few hours for my husband and I to be out.

Without a baby.

Or diapers.

Oh, and did I mention that there was wine?

I pumped a handful of times leading up to this night out, so I felt like I was prepared.

It was just up to the Medela bottle and my son to keep the night going. We made it through dinner and a few drinks when my mom texted to say that Tyson drank all of the milk!

WHAT? All of the milk? But I had left over 16oz! It was time to get back to my parents’ home – luckily I had more milk in the fridge at home.

To be honest, I had only breastfed my child up until this point, and of course I had NO idea how much milk he was getting – just that he had wet diapers and that he was growing; essentially the main things that we first time mom’s look for. So, it was time to evaluate this whole pumping situation.

Was it worth it?

You betcha it was! Within another week or two, we met up with friends for a birthday dinner. Except the dinner was almost an hour from our house, the restaurant was behind schedule on reservations and our friends (all still childless) were all late. I kept in touch with my parents and learned that my child was doing well on the 4 bottles that I left him. It was great that things were going so well. Well at least for them…..

This was the longest that I’d gone without feeding my child or pumping, and I was ready to burst!

You know when you see sausages in the pan and they just burst all of a sudden? That was the state of my boobs. Both of them. And since we hadn’t received our food yet and had the long drive ahead, I had to do it – pump and dump. But hand expressing? Thankfully we had reviewed that in prenatal class so I was good to go.

Fast forward 3 months later, I was applying for a job. Yes, I was ready (mostly) to return to the workforce. But it meant so many more steps now as a mom. Other than the obvious – Getting 2 of us ready. Being on time. Not looking like a zombie. It meant getting up even earlier.

After chatting with a few other moms that went back to work early, I felt as prepared as I could be. So I pumped, often, for the 2 weeks leading up to the start of the job. I had my “just in case” pumps all bagged up and labeled.

The Medela Freestyle Breastpump

The Medela Freestyle Breastpump

I had pumped for over 3 months now and I seemed to have it down pat. The pimped out breast pump that we had purchased was awesome. The Medela Freestyle would allow me to pump from both breasts WHILE DOING SOMETHING ELSE! Like watering the plants that handn’t received a drop of H20 in weeks. Or laundry. Or reading a book. Or WHATEVER! I could still DO things while pumping. Obviously my son needed to be considered (I should add here that I miss those long naps) but pumping bottles could be my middle name.

feeding my baby

But don’t think that I didn’t have issues. Sometimes I’d be too exhausted. Or sometimes I’d spill when pouring from bottle to bag. Or sometimes I’d have to pump due to the pain from one of the many blocked milk ducts that I experienced. And then there was leaking, through my shirt and sweater.

If I provide any words of wisdom, it is to plan when you’re going to. And where.

I might pump while breastfeeding my son (side note – I think that mothers who have twins and breastfeed both at the same time deserve a medal), or pump while he was showering with my husband. But I always tried to plan it. I think that planning helped because then I was in the right mind frame to pump. I would have time to grab a drink (stay hydrated), and grab my iPhone, a book or a magazine. And then find a comfy place. Though I have been known to pump while driving out of town, while on a conference call, and even once while walking on a trail with another mother.

When we started our son on cereal, we were able to use most of the frozen milk that I had in the cereal. And then we mixed some of the breast milk when introducing homo milk.

For those that find it odd that I returned to work early, it wasn’t because I needed to. It was because I wanted to. Sure there were days when I second guessed my decision, but then I remember that my sanity was still intact, and that in fact, I might’ve been a better mom to our son. For now, from one pumping-breastfeeding-foodnatzi-mother to another, pumping gave me options. It gave me comfort. But most of all, it gave the option of someone else feeding my son. And here I am 17 months later, and I still pump the occasional time (usually it’s to avoid a blocked milk duct).

I think that with the right pump, the right surroundings, and of course the right support, pumping can be something that can really help a mother have some time. Kudos to those mothers who exclusively pump – that takes discipline!

 

Krista HolmsKrista Holmes,KH Mgmt, became a mother in the summer of 2014. She works behind-the-scenes in the Canadian music industry, designs several social media campaigns and manages special events. Her love for motherhood & music can be found on her blog, mommylovesmusic.wordpress.com.

twitter@KHmgmt

Tags: back to work, breast milk, breast pump, breastfeeding, expectations, featuredxx, Krista Holmes, Medela, pump, pumping, working mom .

I’m childfree!

Posted on January 15, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

Liz Parker is a mom of none, and has something to say about the experience of living in a society where that’s just not well understood by parents!

not childless childfreeLong before there was a Christian Grey making all 50 shades a thing that raised eyebrows, I’ve long thought about life in terms of grey – not black and white. One of them was to be childfree.

For anyone debating the topic, I recommend going to a baby shower.

The first time I went was for my high school friend, about 17 years ago. People were playing games related to guessing the gender of the baby and the size of the baby and I found myself wanting to die with indifference. It was when “stretch mark oil” and “nipple chafing cream” came up for discussion that I excused myself, went outside and lit a cigarette.

I really did not identify with these women.

As everyone brought gifts like booties, swaddle blankets and soft toys, I showed up with 10 family-sized frozen entree chicken pot pies.

“You brought me… frozen food?” my preggo friend asked me uncertainly.

“Oh just you wait,” I said, confident in my practical gift-buying abilities. “When you have had no sleep for a month straight, and your husband is not home, the baby’s screaming, and the thought of making dinner makes you want to cry for an hour, you will THANK me for these pies, which contain veg, meat, and carbs all in one!”

Everyone laughed, but my friend thanked me later, as I knew she would. Years later, I felt the same wave of nausea hit me when shopping for a baby shower gift for my sister-in-law. When I was done, I headed over to Banana Republic to recalibrate and calm down.

I haven’t been hassled much re: my choice to be childfree, and while I remain relieved with this decision (especially when I see a toddler having a meltdown in public), that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally have a moment of reflection.

baby freaking

photo: Daria

Being a mom means you’re automatically part of a club and you will meet people you can relate to. I realize lots of moms judge each other (“how can you resume your career and allow someone else to raise your baby?” vs. “how can you make it all about your kid?”) but nonetheless, there is no auto-club I can join as a woman in my 40s without kids. I also wonder what kind of child I would have had, and what kind of parent I would have been. I do have glimpses into that parallel universe – when I see my nephews and niece, and when I teach piano to children. I mentor these kids, and sometimes it’s thankless.

Sometimes I make googly eyes at babies, or see the joy in parents’ faces when they’re out with their children, and wonder if I could have done that. Then I hear the kid whine, the kid interrupt mommy’s conversation, the kid loses his mind and cries, and I know, I did the right thing for me. One hundred percent.

childree - dow what the hell i want

 

Liz Parker Unedited Proofs

Liz Parker spent fifteen years in music PR before sashaying over to image consulting for classical musicians. This gig includes styling photo shoots, weeding out wardrobes, and editing website text. She teaches piano to kids on the side (which may have influenced her decision not to have any of her own).You’d think she was a food blogger based on all the food pics on her Instagram. She lives in Toronto with her fur baby Scully (a 90’s cat). lizpr.com

instagram @lafumiko

Tags: Child Free, Childless, featuredxx, Kid Friendly, parenting, Struggle .

You want to tell me how to manage my strong-willed child?

Posted on January 13, 2016 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

About once a year I find all of my friends – and their friends and every mommy group on the web plastering social media with posts about how to manage strong-willed children. Sometimes it’s “Take the power back” sometimes it’s “You spared the rod and you spoiled your child” and sometimes it’s just “10 things you’re doing wrong” all of which make me feel like writing a bunch of expletives in comment boxes.

tough guy

Part of me has some hope that the article will have the magic secret to super-simplify my existence, part of me is upset that everyone out there – without a truly strong-willed child – thinks there’s something you’re doing wrong.

Having a strong-willed child is a real thing. Lots of parents *think* they have a strong-willed child, but all kids are challenging from time to time. Your kid doesn’t want to eat their dinner sometimes? Please. Your kid pitches a fit because his shirt is the wrong shade of blue? But of course. Your child doesn’t want to follow directions the first, second or third time you ask?

Baaaahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

My strong-willed child will teach you what a strong-willed child actually is. I won’t go deep into detail about my sweet little guy (and yes, for all his strong will and challenge, he’s super sweet), but yes, it apparently IS possible to get suspended in Junior Kindergarten within 2 months of starting school.

He’s an awesome kid – very smart, and as I mentioned, super sweet – and many adults are no match for him. I’m no match for him. I’m pretty sure he’s smarter than me – much, much smarter than me.

alpha dog

photo: Kyle May

Strong-willed – for lack of a better word – means that they really are a lot tougher than most kids in terms of their convictions and desires. They’re the Alpha Dog in the pack whether you’ve relinquished your seat as Alpha Dog or not. They simply don’t accept that anyone else is in charge.

And that’s that.

It doesn’t start when they realize you’re willing to give in, it doesn’t grow because you let it. As an adult you can rationally sit there and say “I’m in charge and that kid is going to listen to me.” As a strong-willed kid, they’re just programmed to believe they have equal rights and won’t relinquish that control. They don’t have a strategy, it’s just who they are.

We all hate unsolicited parenting advice, but there are some universals we all share as parents – trying to find ways to get kids to eat more veggies; trying to teach them responsibility so that we’re not constantly replacing lost jackets and toys; trying to make them do homework. But “Taking the power back from your strong-willed child” is not universal. It’s not fun to feel that you’re the mom that’s losing at parenting because the fix is so easy.

He can outlast any standoff, he can resist any consequence, and he’s happy to spite himself to prove he’s right. The only thing that works in our house is love, love, love, love and more love.

We’ve tried to figure out how to manage it. We’ve read the  posts. We’ve consulted a few authorities – from Dr. Sears to Dr. Neufeld to Dr. Seuss, so far the only advice I’ve gleaned that works is “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

dr seuss

1 Comment .
Tags: children, discipline, Dr. Neufeld, Dr. Sears, Dr. Seuss, featuredxx, Parenting Advice, Parenting Help, Rules, Strong-willed .

Nothing can spark a mommy war quite like…

Posted on December 12, 2015 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

I’m a BTDT mom. My boys are 5 & 7, so I’m at the point where I’ve got a little perspective. The thing that has me so amazed about mommy circles is how divisive some topics can be.

I’ve always been of the belief that there are very few truly evil mommies out there – that we all do what we think is best for our child. So why do we fight with each other about 4 furious topics.

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Tags: circumcision, featuredxx, hot topic, intactivist, lactivist, mommy war, rear-facing, the furious four, vaccination .

So long sweet slingbacks

Posted on December 10, 2015 by urbansuburbanmommy Posted in The Struggle is Real .

There are a lot of things that happened to my body when I had my babies. Some of them were kind of gross (not sure where all that mucous comes from) and some of them I claim as a badge of honour – hello stretch marks. I aged, my skin changed, my breasts took a beating and that stitch, it honestly couldn’t have gone into a worse possible spot.

But none of that really phased me.

It wasn’t until I stopped breast feeding my second and decided to get back into high heels that I realized the full measure of what pregnancy had done to me. Over my two pregnancies, to my absolute horror, my feet had grown.

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Tags: feet grew, heels, pregnancy body changes, shoes .
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