My former self would never have imagined the situations I’d find myself in and the things I’d say when I had kids.

I’m saving this top 10 list to remind myself exactly what I went through when they’re teenagers so that I can vindicate myself accordingly.

10. Why did you just wipe your nose on my shirt?

9. No, the cat does not want another bath.

8. If the toy is being bad and making you fight, then I’m going to have to give the toy a time out.

7. Please don’t throw up on me again.

6. Who peed on the bathroom wall?

5. Santa is not bringing you a gold bar or a mansion for Christmas.

4. If you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it, but please don’t spit it out on my plate.

3. Why did you put that into the toilet?

2. Did you wipe your bum?

1. No, I don’t want to smell your feet.

Only some of my best moments, I can’t even really put them into order.