Want To Rip A Hole In The Time/Space Continuum? Have Kids.

Want to feel smart? Being a mom is like being a physicist, and every day is an experiment in time, space and sanity. Consider some of these basic principles (and yes, I do spend long nights awake):

1. Often, I’m creating time where time does not exist.
2. While two bodies cannot occupy the same space, two smaller bodies can fuse themselves to my exoskeleton while I’m trying to sleep.
3. The speed of light is constant. The speed at which my younger son can launch food across the table is faster than the speed of light, which pretty much makes him a tachyon.
   And he’s not even two.
4. The acceleration of an object – say, a sharp pointy toy – by an applied force is related to the magnitude of the pain it produces in my face.
5. An object in motion tends to stay in motion.
   And loud. It also tends to be loud.
6. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For instance, the volume of my voice goes up equally and exponentially to the crap my kids get into.

So there you go. The next time you’re feeling down because your house is a mess or your kids are testing the Doppler effect at a pitch only dogs can hear, take a moment and know that we’re all occupying the same space. The results may be different, but that’s part of the experiment.