Here is our rant and feel free to add to it, we’d love to hear yours!
1. Is your baby sleeping?
Do not – I repeat – do not ask.
2. Did you have a natural birth?
Nooooooo, I had one of those completely unnatural births. You know, the kind where they used the transporter from Star Trek to beam my child from my womb into the hospital bassinet. We did it on the Holodeck. It was spectacular.
Just stop with the judging, it’s vaginal or c-section; medicated or unmedicated. Those involve children being born. There is nothing unnatural about a baby being born, (unless it’s Klingon or Vulcan – then we can talk).
3. My child is 47 months
Your child is not 47 months, your child is almost 4. The first two years of life sure, things change fast, there are milestones that come by the weeks and months. Call it 3 weeks, 9 weeks, 11 months, 17 months, go for it right up to 23 months. But when the clock strikes 2 years, you have a 2 year old. Feel free to use half years, feel free to say your little bunny just turned 3 a few months ago, but 36 months? Nope.
4. Are you going to have another?
My husband and I will be continuing to have sex. You want to know if we will use birth control? If you and I were close enough for this question, you’d already know the answer. Since you’re not, you’ll know when I’m pregnant. Sure, I’ll hide it for 3 or 4 months, but at some point you’ll figure it out.
5. Are you going to try for a girl next?
Try for a girl? Please explain how I go about doing that.
You’re an intactivist, lactivist, hard-core baby wearer, you ate your placenta and gave birth to your triplets under the clear moonlight on the Ides of March surrounded by rooting wolves, which are, by the way, your spirit animal. I’m sure I’m doing it all wrong and *if only* I’d listen to you my children might be saved from certain doom…
But I’m not. I’m past taking advice. I’ve done my own research and I’m good. Please stop.
7. Did you circumcise?
Well isn’t that a hotbed of a question. Please stop worrying about my son’s penis.
8. Does your husband/partner/spouse help?
He’s my husband, not the hired help. He had an active part in the decision to make this baby and certainly took initiative. Raising this child, it is his responsibility to do half of the work. He doesn’t help, he co-parents. Would you ever ask him if I help? No, you wouldn’t, because that would be rude. My husband deserves the same consideration.
9. Is he really a boy?
Look, I get why it’s hard to tell if my baby is a girl or a boy. I especially get why you couldn’t tell that my toddler, whose hair we let grow down to his waist, was actually a boy. But if I correct you and tell you he’s a boy, don’t question me. I was there. I’ve changed the diaper. I’m sure.
10. Bad cell reception.
Yes, that was me at the park on my phone while my kids were playing. Yes, I’m a horrible mom and should be cherishing every moment while never taking my eyes off my children. But I haven’t talked to another adult in 3 days; or I’m trying to get some work done and the compromise is that I take the kids to the park and work; or I need to talk to my husband, who has been stuck working 18 hour days this week and I am craving a few minutes to chat with him – or whatever else is going on in my life making it necessary to crush candies, post a status or take a call. We all need a break and this is mine. Don’t judge.
We’re sure everyone has done one of these at some point or another – we’ve been guilty of a few. Our pet peevishness may or may not have something to do with the amount of sleep we’re getting. Feel free to ask if we’ve gotten any sleep lately. (The answer would be no, we haven’t!) So, what are yours?
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