New Year’s Resolutions for Parents

Let’s play a game. It’s called New Year’s Resolutions for parents. Since parents don’t get paid for parenting, we figure it’s the perfect time to strategize an income stream.

Don’t ask me whose paying for all of this, but parenting is hard, it deserves a six-figure salary, and this is how it will work: Imagine if you could get paid for keeping these New Year’s Resolutions. How much would your parenting salary be in 2017?

1. Will not yell at the kids $2,500
2. Will not threaten the kids with taking away toys $2,500
3. Will not use food as a bribe $2,500
4. Will not use toys as a bribe $1,000
5. Will not give in to the kids just to avoid parenting $5,000
6. Will make them clean their rooms $1,500
7. Will make them do their homework $500
8. Will not do their homework for them to get it done $1,000
9. Will not give them treats to make them like me $2,000
10. Will not hide in the bathroom eating ice cream or chocolate $10,000
11. Will not hide in the bathroom to eat their Easter chocolate $5,000
12. Will not hide in the bathroom to eat their Halloween candy $5,000
13. Will not fight with spouse/partner in front of kids $10,000
14. Will not finish off whatever food the kids leave behind instead of wrapping it up $2,500
15. Will not consider the leftovers to be dinner in lieu of preparing a proper meal $5,000
16. Will make bedtime a priority $1,000
17. Will read more to the kids $2,500
18. Will make more time for myself $5,000
19. Will make time for my relationship $5,000
20. Will skip cleaning up in favour of play time $5,000
21. Will skip cleaning up in favour of a little me time $2,500
22. Will not make two dinners because the kids are fussing about the meal $1,000
23. Will not sweat making extravagant meals and instead focus on simple and nutritious $2,000
24. Will stop putting junk food in their lunches $500
25. Will stop buying junk food for myself with the justification that it can go in the kids’ lunches $1,000
26. Will not steer their friendships based on which parents I like $5,000
27. Will let them dress themselves, even if they look crazy $2,500
28. Will show them instead of doing it for them $5,000
29. Will give them a chance and then follow through with consequences $10,000
30. Will give them the opportunity to redeem themselves $5,000
31. Will be their parent first, their friend second $10,000
32. Will not ask medical advice on parenting forums/Facebook groups $5,000
33. Will not start parenting wars on parenting forums/Facebook groups $5,000
34. Will not confine my boy to “boy toys” or my girl to “girl toys” $10,000
35. Will make them take responsibility for pet care $500
36. Will not lie about why they can’t have a pet, “Because I don’t want one” is good enough $1,000
37. Will limit screen time to what I *actually* tell people I limit it to $500
38. Will fess up the real amount of screen time I give my kids when asked $2,500
39. Will not embarrass them on the schoolyard because I need another kiss goodbye $1,000
40. Will start lengthening the leash and not hover $5,000
41. Will not tell them to “Stop It!” when they start with the “But why…” $10,000
42. Will not lie about stores being closed so you don’t have to buy something $50
43. Will do more activities, arts, crafts and games and less family TV time $5,000
44. Will not feel bad about falling behind on laundry $2,500
45. Will make time to get sandy at the beach or wet in the snow $10,000
46. Will worry less about wrinkles and embrace laugh lines more $2,500
47. Will not set the clocks back for an early bedtime $1,000
48. Will do better to hide the evidence of throwing away school art and projects $1,000
49. Will say “Yes” more and “No” less $2,500
50. Will stop getting angry at that sound they like to make, and noise in general $3,000
51. Will balance parenting with my own identity and needs $50,000

So, what’s your income and what is your big resolution of the year? Any that we’ve missed?